Whether it was the time I spent in New York, summer’s natural lack of intellectual stimulation, or my inherent love for mindless reality shows, I now find myself relating all aspects of life to the MTV hit show “Jersey Shore.”
Sadly, the Florida football team is no different.
Evidently, my brain was fried by hearing the words “yo,” “mad” and “bro” thrown into every sentence for three months because on my long drive back to Gainesville and a populous that cares about college football, I found myself matching up Gators with characters from “Jersey Shore.”
DE Justin Trattou (The Situation) — “Sitch” is the real breakout star of Jersey Shore, and Trattou could become the breakout star of the 2010 season. The Situation once famously espoused, “Everybody loves me — babies, dogs, ya know, hot girls, cougars. I just have mass appeal.” And I’m sure the mild-mannered, well-spoken Trattou could say the same. Plus, he’s from New Jersey, and I like the prospect of him referring to sacks as “situations” from now on. “What can I say, when the running back forgets to help in pass protection, that’s going to be a situation right there.”
S Will Hill (Pauly D) — Hill, also from Jersey, is being counted on to help Trattou lead the defense, just as Pauly D helps the Situation lead the Jersey Shore cast. Everybody in the house likes Pauly, and Hill is well respected by his teammates. I suggest referring to Hill’s big hits on receivers as “blowouts.”
RB Jeff Demps (Ronnie) — Ronnie has a good thing in his off-and-on girlfriend, but insists upon going to the clubs to hit on girls. Demps has a good thing in his track career. He’s the fastest collegiate sprinter in the 100-meters and could parlay that into an Olympic career, as Ronnie could start a long-term relationship with Sammi. But Demps can’t resist the fast-paced fun of playing football with his boys (or bros, for any Northerners/Greeks reading this). Also, “full creep mode” could easily be a nickname for Demps’ top speed. “Did you see him turn the corner on that touchdown? He was really in full creep mode there.”
QB John Brantley (Vinny) — Vinny is the surprisingly normal castmate. Viewers watch the show and think, “I could hang out with Vinny.” Everyone seems to be saying the same about Brantley. He’s one of us, just like Vinny.
RB coach Stan Drayton (Angelina) — Angelina decided to leave “Jersey Shore” early in Season 1, but returned when she realized she was missing a chance to be on one of TV’s biggest shows. The same could be said for Drayton, who left UF after the 2007 season and missed a second national championship. After a year at Tennessee and Syracuse, Drayton returned to UF just as Angelina returned to the house.
OL Carl Johnson (JWoww) — JWoww is the toughest chick on the show, just as offensive linemen tend to be the toughest players on a football field. I could see Johnson giving an opposing defensive lineman the tough choice of, “You can stay and get your ass beat, or you could stay and get your ass beat!” The same as JWoww yelled in Angelina’s face this season. Johnson is listed at 355 pounds, but said he slimmed down in the offseason and now has a “beach body.” It’s safe to say his chest would turn as many heads at the beach as JWoww’s.
S Ahmad Black (Snooki) — Black, an undersized safety, is the smallest guy on the defense, making him an easy choice for Snooki. When Snooki first got to the house, she thought about leaving because she didn’t fit in with the other roommates, but ultimately stayed and became a main character. I’m not sure if Black ever thought about transferring, but there were plenty of people who doubted his ability to become a starting safety at his size. He stuck it out and prospered just like Snooki.
RB Emmanuel Moody (Sammi) — Moody is a much more likable “character” than Sammi, but he shares a backfield with Ronnie (Demps). And he and Sammi always seem to be getting hurt, so that’s good enough for me.
