Did you miss us?
We know it’s been two weeks since you’ve last seen us. We know we had to take a tiny vacation to deal with the whole Muslim-holy-book-burning situation, but we’re back. And to compensate all of you for lost time, we’re not wasting any more.
So without further ado, we present you with our perhaps first of its kind Holy-Crap-We-Have-So-Many-Darts-And-Laurels-To-Throw-To-Make-Up-For-Last-Week’s-Absence-We-Don’t-Even-Know-Where-To-Start-So-We’re-Giving-You-A-Double-Dose-Today edition of
Darts & Laurels
There’s one special lady who went above and beyond a double dose at one of the least-meaningful and most-discussed award ceremonies our pop culture has to offer.
Our favorite bubble-wrap, meat-dress-wearing “Fame” fanatic picked up eight VMAs this week while also announcing the name of her next album “Born This Way.”
For being our favorite obsession we’re not even afraid to admit, we’re giving you a soy-laced-because-we’re-tired-of-the-stinky-dehydrated-jerky-frock-and-you-clearly-had-one-of-the-best-videos-of-all-time LAUREL to Lady Gaga.
But there are some things we are really afraid to admit keep happening.
When our football stars become the stars behind bars, we get more and more disappointed with our school each time.
Can we just get through one semester without one of our star players getting arrested? That’s all we want, and we don’t think it’s too much to ask.
For being a textaholic with an affinity for aggravated stalking and scintillating 160-character messages, we’re throwing a Way-2-Go-G8rs-W/-Da-Felonees-Plz-Try-2-Stop DART at Chris Rainey. Time to get our acts together.
Like our flip-flopping governor trying to make things right in our state.
He’s getting his act together. And even though we think that’s all his campaign is — an act — we’re glad he’s doing some things right. So, for showing the thousands of children in government custody and the thousands of gay Floridians you’re considering caring about their civil rights and well being, we’re throwing Gov. Charlie Crist a We-Don’t-Care-What-Party-You-Are-If-You-Keep-Up-That-Florida-Tan-To-Represent-Our-State LAUREL for considering dropping a state appeal to keep a ban on Floridian gay couples from adopting.
And then there are people who we just despise occupying our state. You guys totally thought we were talking about those Dove people right? Wrong.
No, we’re talking about those infamous tow-truck drivers who take sadistic pleasure in charging poor, can’t-pay-for-groceries college students inordinate amounts of dough for parking in a spot for 10 minutes too long.
And for towing one of our own editors while he was covering an event and charging him almost $100 on the day of his birthday party (seriously, could you be more of a meanie?), we’re throwing all of you a We-Wish-We-Knew-How-To-Get-Our-Hands-On-One-Of-Those-Boot-Keys-To-Unlock-Our-Own-Cars DART.
OK, so we’re running out of room, and you still need a double shot. Let’s go through these quickly.
Humans and zombies alike, we’re throwing you a DART, not a Nerf ball.
UF football team, stop starting out the game losing and then winning, and we’ll keep throwing you a LAUREL.
And to Gainesville, here’s a LAUREL for the first weekend with no threat of Quran burning! We’re proud of you.
