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Tuesday, February 07, 2023

Dear Jared,

I recently dated a guy who refused to have sex with me. He blamed it on some ridiculous reason. Regardless, I still gave him a BJ, and he finished in less than two minutes! Am I that good, or do you think he suffers from premature ejaculation?

Love,

Great Expectations

Well, Ms. Dickens, the first thing I’m particularly interested in is this mysterious “ridiculous reason” our little preemie used when denying you a trip around home plate. Did he refuse to let you ride the love stick because you wanted him dressed head-to-toe as a woodland creature? Did you ask him to wear a diaper and call you Big Mama? Did you mandate he use his sweaty tube sock as a makeshift gag before doing the deed?

Or have you considered this: Maybe he just wanted to wait a couple days to get to know your middle name before he blew his load in 120 seconds?

These are all important questions I need answered before delving into your dick dilemma because the differences between these scenarios run the line between ridiculous and moral.

But before we get down to business: You go, girl! Good for you for throwing morals to the wind and going at him like a bee to a rosebush!

But back to our little situation. Sex is messy. It’s sticky and it’s complicated. It changes everything.

 Timing is everything in a decision this large and in charge. Was this a long-term, semester-transcending, heavy-petting fest? Or are we talking about a weeklong “dating” situation involving mostly body shots and booty calls?

Perhaps this might be our key to exactly the kind of “great expectations” you’re looking for and precisely why you might be settling for a pop fly.

Or perhaps you’re just really good at what you do.

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There are select individuals who are just plain good students in the class of fellatio. Some people can write well. Others can work a calculator like an Asian on Adderall. And some can pass a pop quiz below the belts without studying.

I’ve never been a fan of the term “premature ejaculation.”Nothing’s premature about the Big O. When it’s time, it’s time.

It might be frustrating for those not on the windward side of the happiest place on earth, but at least you knew you deserve a gold star, right?

Stay away from calculators, and you’ll be just fine.

Have a sexy question? E-mail Jared at Jmisner@alligator.org. Your name will not appear in print or online.

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