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Friday, May 20, 2022

Maybe your financial aid dispersement didn't go exactly as planned. Maybe you're stealing fruit from the dining hall to put breakfast on the table tomorrow morning. Maybe you're sneaking into dormitory floor bathrooms to save money on toilet paper.

But the Avenue is encouraging you to reach deep into your pockets - and we mean $10 deep - to buy a ticket at the local movie theater.

As fall movie season looms in the distance, you're going to have a lot of choices - too many choices, and you don't have enough dollars to see them all. As a public service, the Avenue is saving you the trouble of figuring out if a movie is good or not. We've picked out our must-see movies this season - and the sure-to-be duds.

Machete (September 3)

Synopsis: A Mexican migrant farm worker is framed by his employers and spends the next two hours slaughtering bad dudes and fondling boobies.

Verdict: Starring anybody who has ever made you cry yourself to sleep, this is going to make "The Expendables" look like "Julie and Julia."

Starring: Danny Trejo, Steven Seagal, Lindsay Lohan

Going the Distance (September 3)

Synopsis: A couple struggle to maintain a very long distance relationship.

Verdict: Holy crap, is that Charlie from "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia"? This looks like some schmaltzy romantic comedy, but holy crap! Charlie!

Starring: Justin Long, Charlie Day, Drew Barrymore

The Social Network (October 1)

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Synopsis: The seedy, betrayal-riddled story of the creation of social networking giant Facebook.

Verdict: Blood Diamond made us feel bad about our jewelry, and this is going to make us feel bad about our Facebook addictions.

Starring: Jesse Eisenberg, Rooney Mara

Jackass 3-D (October 15)

Synopsis: Grown men hurt themselves and each other for two hours.

Verdict: Because it's been too long since we've seen a grown man staple his scrotum to his leg. In 3-D!

Starring: Bam Margera, Johnny Knoxville

127 Hours (November 5)

Synopsis: Based on a true story, a mountain climber traps his arm under a boulder and must sever it with his own knife to get loose and survive.

Verdict: The director of "127 Hours," Danny Boyle, has been responsible for some of the most intense, gut-wrenching and heartfelt movies of all time. In the same vein as "Slumdog Millionaire" and "Trainspotting," "127" is going to be the next modern classic.

Starring: James Franco, Lizzy Kaplan

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 (November 19)

Synopsis: The first part of the movie adaptation of the last Harry Potter novel.

Verdict: Who cares if the last few movies kind of sucked? We've got 13 years invested into our Hogwarts education and we're going to see this to the end. By any means necessary.

Starring: Daniel Radcliffe, Rupert Grint, Emma Watson, He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named

The Warrior's Way (December 3)

Synopsis: An Asian assassin goes into hiding in a desert town in the American badlands.

Verdict: An unholy union of Western gun fights and Eastern kung fu, this is as close to a "Trigun" movie we're ever going to see stateside.

Starring: Geoffrey Rush, Kate Bosworth

TRON Legacy (December 17)

Synopsis: A man gets sucked into a video game while searching for clues to his long-lost father's disappearance.

Verdict: This "TRON" spiritual sequel is going to make amazing use of 3-D technology like none of us have ever seen. James Cameron can take "Avatar" and suck on its hard, long, throbbing blue tail.

Starring: Jeff Bridges, Michael Sheen

True Grit (December 25)

Synopsis: A teenage girl sets out to avenge her murdered father in the Wild West.

Verdict: Jeff Bridges playing John Wayne, directed by the Coen brothers. It's a match made in Hollywood heaven.

Starring: Hailee Steinfeld, Jeff Bridges, Matt Damon

I'm Still Here (Mid-Fall)

Synopsis: A documentary following Joaquin Phoenix's horrible beard and its misguided rap "career".

Verdict: Watch not because it's good, but because it's nice to see somebody fail at something miserably every once and a while. Bonus: Joaquin was born and raised here in Gainesville!

Starring: Nobody worth mentioning.

Don't waste your money on these:

Alpha and Omega (September 17)

Synopsis: Two wolves - a loser wolf and a popular wolf - are taken from their home and must find their way back.

Verdict: A badly animated movie about a nerdy wolf who wants to bone a hottie. Sex jokes for children.

Starring: Christina Ricci, Justin Long, Danny Glover

Alternative: Animal Planet always has shows about animals getting it on. One time, they had walruses. That was nuts.

Nowhere Boy (October 8)

Synopsis: The story of pre-fame John Lennon.

Verdict: A biopic about John Lennon that will make you wish they'd just let him stay dead.

Starring: Aaron Johnson, Kristin Scott Thomas

Alternative: Listen to Ringo and Paul's new albums, and curse God that the wrong two Beatles died.

Secretariat (October 8)

Synopsis: The story of a clueless Midwestern housewife who raises a champion race horse with the help of a God-tier horse trainer.

Verdict: "Secretariat" is another stupid movie about a stupid horse that died - and deservingly so.

Starring: John Malcovich, Diane Lane

Alternative: Go to the tracks, and bet on real horses. Then make the losing horse sit through this movie.

Paranormal Activity 2 (October 22)

Synopsis: The couple from the previous "Paranormal Activity" have a baby and are consequently haunted.

Verdict: Remember how "The Blair Witch Project" was only good because people thought it was real? And remember how the sequel screwed that up? You're welcome.

Starring: Katie Featherston, Micah Sloat

Alternative: Tell children that Santa Claus isn't real. If you can't believe in illusions, neither can they.

Saw 3D (October 29)

Synopsis: Survivors of the previous "Saw" misadventures seek therapy from a self-help guru, who turns out to be evil.

Verdict: Pay to watch Hollywood beat (and torture) a dead horse.

Starring: Tobin Bell, Cary Elwes, Betsy Russell

Alternative: Go to 4chan.org and make a post requesting gore. Thank me later.

Tree of Life (November)

Synopsis: Details on the movie's plot have been really minimal, but director Terrance Malick said it was about a "lost soul in a modern world."

Verdict: Pretentious excretion about finding one's true self, melancholy and abusive parents. Presumably to be three hours long and win at least four Oscars.

Starring: Brad Pitt, Sean Penn

Alternative: Read some Shel Silverstein and be happy for a little while.

The Chronicles of Narnia: The Voyage of the Dawn Treader (December 10)

Synopsis: The kids from the previous "Narnia" movies and their cousin go to Narnia and set sail on a ship to the end of the world.

Verdict: Dear God, are they going to make all seven books into boring movies that nobody likes? Hey stupid, you're not Harry Potter.

Starring: The kids from the other "Narnia" movies and Simon Pegg

Alternative: Sit at home, and loathe the terrible movies that Christians make. I'm looking at you, Kirk Cameron.

Yogi Bear (December 17)

Synopsis: A documentary filmmaker travels to Jellystone Park and makes a movie about a bear who wears both a tie and a hat.

Verdict: Oh boy, another cartoon-come-CGI movie that we'll forget exists until it comes on ABC Family at 1 in the afternoon. Starring a post-career Dan Aykroyd, "Yogi Bear" is going to be like putting down your rabies-infected dog with a pocket knife: sad and dangerous to your health.

Starring: Justin Timberlake, Dan Aykroyd

Alternative: John Kricfalusi, the creator of "The Ren and Stimpy Show," made three fantastic Yogi tribute cartoons back in 2000, and they're all on YouTube.

Little Fockers (December 22)

Synopsis: Greg Focker must finally earn his father-in-law's respect with the help of his two infant children.

Verdict: Robert De Niro is in some pretty sweet movies this semester. This is not one of them.

Starring: Robert De Niro, Ben Stiller, Jessica Alba, Barbra Streisand

Alternative: Seriously, he's in enough awesome movies to make up for the last two decades of suck.

Gulliver's Travels (December 22)

Synopsis: A lovable loser goes to write an article about tourism in the Bermuda Triangle and ends up on an island where everybody is tiny.

Verdict: "Hey!" shouts Jack Black. "Remember when I used to be in movies?"

Starring: Jack Black

Alternative: Watch "School of Rock," and pretend 2003 never ended.

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