They're a mystery to the outside world. You see them everywhere: in your classes, giving campus tours and swarming midtown on a Monday night. Their Sperry shoes, Polo shirts and those things your dad used to keep his sunglasses around his neck culminate to create this breed of college men.
Indeed, since the birth of the college campus, there has been the "bro." They are often described as drinking gratuitous amounts of alcohol, engaging in promiscuous activities and constantly in pursuit of female attention.
But who are they, really? I decided to find out this past Friday, by staying with a group of bros from the hour they woke up until the time they fell asleep - or passed out.
What followed was almost 20 hours of drunken debauchery, complete with disrobing in public, day drinking, the shortest-of-short khaki shorts and bruises that were a mystery the next morning. I have tried, to the best of my ability, to describe the day hour-by-hour. However, no students or groups are mentioned by name, and this account, by no means, reflects on everyone who looks like a bro.
But the group of guys I did follow bro-ed out all day. This was their story:
10:50 a.m. - Hammering on the doors begins, as each brother is awoken with soothing screams, and an uplifting message: "WAKE UP PUSSIES, WE'RE GOING TO THE BASEBALL GAME."
11:13 a.m. - We arrive at Kay Bros. BBQ for 50-cent drafts and what can only be described as a breakfast of champions. The bros pound about two pints each to start the day.
11:45 a.m. - The group starts walking to the baseball game (already in the second inning), but gets distracted by the smell of stale beer and thrill of day drinking radiating from Salty Dog Saloon. Six pitchers are bought and split among the group.
1:50 p.m. - We leave Salty and meet up with a brother who had just gotten out of class. The guys and their newest attendant, still wearing his backpack, swing into Gator City and buy three more pitchers.
2:05 p.m - Exiting Gator City, the bros finally start heading to the baseball game. The last bro joins the group fresh off giving a campus tour to incoming freshmen.
2:30 p.m. - Everyone finally makes it to their seats at the game.
2:45 p.m. - The first shirt comes off.
2:48 p.m. - All bros are now shirtless, screaming, "SUNS OUT, GUNS OUT!" to a group of concerned-looking parents and their children.
3:17 p.m. - The game ends and everyone heads back to Salty. Between eight and 12 pitchers were purchased, depending on the level of drunkenness of the person being asked.
5:48 p.m. - The bros head to 101 Cantina to meet up with some girls.
6:15 p.m. - A waitress dares a bro to chug a drink. Seeing this as a test of his masculinity in the presence of females, he quickly complies and orders another pitcher.
6:52 p.m. - The bros arrive back at the house.
8:50 p.m. - Bros visiting from out of town arrive and reunion shotguns from beer cans commence in the hallway.
10:07 p.m. - After getting dinner and taking a quick "frat-nap," music begins blasting and drinking recommences.
10:25 p.m. - First girls arrive.
10:36 p.m. - The drunkest of the brothers begin dancing in a manner that can only be described as YouTube-worthy.
11:08 p.m. - A Backstreet Boys song comes on. Everything in the room abruptly stops and everyone leans against each other, swaying and belting their hearts out reminiscent of a preteen girl in 1998.
11:11 p.m. - The Backstreet-bonanza mercifully ends. Games of beer pong, civil war and flip-cup commence, but bros make significantly less eye contact with each other after unleashing their inner 13-year-old girl.
11:47 p.m. - The now-larger gaggle of bros leaves the house and makes its way to The Swamp.
12:05 a.m. - After squeezing through the flood of people, a vacant table is spotted. Thirty people share a table meant for 14.
12:16 a.m. - Pitchers arrive, and drunken shenanigans continue.
1:37 a.m. - The bros decide to leave midtown and head back to the house. A few of the bros are having profound "bro-ments" as they support each other's weight and stumble down the sidewalk. Two people trip and fall when one loses his footing on the edge of the sidewalk. One bro is noticeably bleeding from the arm.
2:56 a.m. - First bro is noticed passed out on a couch
4:17 a.m. - Last group of girls, excluding girls dating bros, leaves.
4:35 a.m. - I leave, but at least five bros are still up, completely wasted, milling around the house.
4:53 a.m. - Last recorded drunk text is sent from a bro.
**Note: Four of the bros reported waking up in their same clothes the next morning.
