We all know that one guy who, no matter how you slice it, is just incapable of flexing his cool muscles.
He was the one in school who had the moral obligation to remind the teacher of the day's homework assignment. He's the one who calls the cable company to tell them you're the house that's sliding by without paying for those fuzzy channels where clothes are considered a burden to quality acting. He's the guy who sets his DVR to record "Yes, Dear" and other sitcom winners on CBS.
Major League Baseball has that guy; his name is Bud Selig.
On Wednesday, the MLB announced in a statement that it would investigate New York Yankees third-baseman Alex Rodriguez for - wait for it - participating in underground poker games. But these weren't your grandfather's poker games. These apparently had celebrity participants playing with I-killed-a-hooker-during-roleplay bail money. Even worse, there may have been cocaine involved! (Editor's note: that's two nods to the devil's dust on page 6. This is either a missed opportunity for ad revenue or just an indication that someone needs help.)
You don't need to know what a suicide squeeze is to know that Alex Rodriguez isn't exactly baseball's golden boy, having admitted to inflating his biceps with horse tranqs and dating a ‘90s-pop-diva-turned-scarecrow. But in the words of the great GOB Bluth, "come on!" If the man wants to throw away his money bankrolling card games, cockfights or acting lessons for Nick Cage, it's his right - let him blow
Jesus, we did it again!
