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Tuesday, November 30, 2021

He says ...

You can date your new beau for weeks, discover all of his or her quirky turn ons and even go ALMOST all the way, but not even the friskiest of foreplay can ensure a blunder-less first screw. That's just the way it is. Awkward moments are inevitable when it's your first time in the sack with someone new.

The silver lining to first timing is that there are some ways to mitigate the damage.

Ensure your debut is a grand one by showing some confidence at your opening performance. It's a turnoff for ladies and fellas alike when that special time finally comes and his or her partner is floundering around like it's his or her ACTUAL first time. (And even if it is, pretend like it isn't. Fake it till you make it.) Recall all that porn you watched in - cough, cough - high school, and come out of the gates poised like a pro.

Even though you're now oozing confidence, make sure to keep the sex simple. First sex may make you want to show off every weapon in your arsenal, but there's nothing more annoying than a partner who switches positions every 10 seconds.

Remember, this is just a test run - a chance to extinguish any physical qualms that may still exist between the two of you. It's an event just as emotional as it is physical. The goal is being comfortable with each other when all is said and done. If you can accomplish this, consider yourself lucky... and gear up for round two.

She says ...

Losing your virginity — raise your hand if the memory mortifies you.

Performing "field research" for this week’s column taught me a lesson: People do not enjoy conversing about the uncomfortable, embarrassing situations they find themselves in when they get it on with someone for the first time. Even the most vague respondents I met certainly did not want to give their names for print.

This got me thinking about virginity. It has always seemed like once we hit puberty, virginity all of sudden becomes bigger than a big deal. Some teens are in a race to lose it, while others hold on to their virginity as though it is a token of pureness. I remember reading a statistic that stated 50 percent of high school students graduate as virgins. Why the even divide?

What is going on with virginity, and if so many of us have had humiliating first-time experiences, why are we so reluctant to openly laugh about them? Better yet, why aren’t most of us turned off from sex for good?

Personally, I fell into the category of a high school virgin. Sure, I had boyfriends throughout my teens, and many of my friends were hooking up left and right. But, when it came time for me to "do it," I totally wasn’t ready. So, when I did lose my virginity as a college freshman (to my new, highly experienced 25-year-old boyfriend who didn’t know I was a virgin … talk about nervousness!), you can only imagine my disappointment when it lasted MAYBE two minutes and ended when he orgasmed without me realizing he had had an orgasm.

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Awesome.

The truth is, even if you aren’t a virgin, having sex with someone for the first time brings about enormous pressures. We all want to be impressive, to rock someone’s world in a way that has never happened before. But be real — hitting a home run the first time at bat almost never happens, even for a seasoned professional. I feel like anyone with a heart understands this; perhaps it’s why we choose not to discuss bad sex but will give even the worst lay a second chance.

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