We have a lot to cover today, so let’s skip the introduction and get right into this week’s first-Darts-and-Laurels-of-the-summer edition of...
First up, we suggest you seek shelter immediately after picking up a copy of the Alligator. That’s why we’re throwing a next-up-boils-hail-rivers-turning-to-blood-locusts-complete-darkness-and-death-of-the-first-born DART at lovebugs.
There’s not enough windshield wiper fluid in the world to stop this plague.
In national news, we give an it’s-about-damn-time LAUREL to President Barack Obama for coming out in support of same-sex marriage. Although it doesn’t do much to actually influence the short-term prospects for policy change, it is a huge step in the right direction for a president to openly support this issue.
Way to go, Prez.
Next, we recognize an upstanding citizen and public servant who does so much for our children. That’s why we’re throwing a worst-reference-to-a-Pixar-movie-ever DART at Laurie Bailey-Cutkomp, a teacher at Zephyrhills High School in Pasco County, Fla., who allegedly used a dog collar called the “cone of shame,” taken from the 2009 movie “Up,” to discipline some of her ninth-graders in April.
Looks like Bailey-Cutkomp will have to take her “cone of shame” with her to the unemployment office. However, we suggest she wears it for a few days to think about what she has done.
What you’re doing right now earned Gainesville some recognition recently. That’s why we’re giving a oh-yeah-I-totally-read-every-reading-assignment-last-semester LAUREL to Gainesville, which Amazon.com named the eighth most well-read city.
The list was compiled by looking at places where people bought the most books, magazines and newspapers in the past year. Not surprisingly, most of the top cities were college towns, so whether or not most of the books purchased were actually read is debatable.
Regardless, go Gainesville!
Of course, we must throw an I-set-fire-to-the-van-watched-it-burn-as-I-touched-your-face DART at the idiot — a 5-foot-8-inch white male, between 18 and 30 years old — who allegedly set newspapers on fire in the back of the Alligator delivery van. Luckily, the van did not catch fire and no one was injured.
People have some serious problems with free speech around here.
Finally, we cannot end this week without giving a patriotic-bad-ass-dead-on-godlike-billionaire-playboy-philanthropist-Tesseract-portal-opening-smashtacular-movie LAUREL to “The Avengers.”
It’s amazing.
Have a fun and safe weekend, and be sure to check back next week!
