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Monday, June 05, 2023

Love songs that are actually odes to stalkers everywhere

For years people have expressed their love, devotion and admiration to their crushes, significant others or spouses through music. Whether it was a nerdy little boy who made his crush a mixtape or a Grammy Award winning artist who wrote her husband a ballad, music just seems to be the perfect way to tell that oh so special person just how you feel. However, before you dedicate some song to your little boyfriend or girlfriend, make sure to look at what the lyrics are actually saying because there is a very fine line between sweet and stalker.

1. "Everything I Do" - Bryan Adams

Creepiest creep lyric: Look into your heart, you will find

There's nothin' there to hide

Take me as I am, take my life

I would give it all, I would sacrifice

This man takes dedication and devotion to a whole new level. Not only is he positive of his love for you, but he knows for a fact that if you look into your heart that you will feel the same way. Instead of looking in your heart, look in a phonebook and find the phone number of a good lawyer so that you can get yourself a restraining order.

2. "Across the Sea" - Weezer

Creepiest creep lyric: They don't make stationery like this where I'm from - so fragile, so refined

So I sniff

and I lick

your envelope and fall to little pieces every time

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I wonder what clothes you wear to school

I wonder how you decorate your room

I wonder how you touch yourself

and curse myself for being across the sea

This song is just pen pals gone wrong…very wrong. This man loves this girl who lives all the way over in Japan and instead of skyping her when he misses her, he licks her letters and wonders about her every movement.

3. "Hello" - Lionel Richie

Creepiest creep lyric: Hello!

Is it me you're looking for?

I can see it in your eyes

I can see it in your smile

You're all I've ever wanted

And my arms are open wide

'cause you know just what to say

And you know just what to do

And I want to tell you so much

I love you

Out of all the creepy love songs out there, I actually don’t think that this one is that bad. My qualm with this song is mostly with the music video. Dear old Lionel is a professor and he has this crush on some girl that is a student there, so he is a bit of a pedophile. But it just gets worse when you find out that as Mr. Richie is following this girl around… you see that she is blind. So not only is the song creepy, but it is condescending too. Is it you she is looking for? She isn’t looking for anything Lionel, she can’t see!

4. "Grenade" - Bruno Mars

Creepiest creep lyric: I'd catch a grenade for you (yeah, yeah, yeah)

Throw my hand on a blade for you (yeah, yeah, yeah)

I'd jump in front of a train for you (yeah, yeah, yeah)

You know I'd do anything for you (yeah, yeah, yeah)

Oh, I would go through all this pain

Take a bullet straight through my brain

Yes, I would die for you, baby

But you won't do the same

Mr. Mars has a tendency for kinda getting a little crazy when it come to writing his love songs. This guy does not need to catch any weapons, or hold knives and blades, or jump in front of trains like he is in "Mission Impossible." He just needs to see a physiatrist. And no Bruno, she would not do that same, because you are crazy.

5. "I Touch Myself" - The Divinyls

Creepiest creep lyric: I don't want anybody else

When I think about you

I touch myself

I don't want anybody else

Oh no, oh no, oh no

If you feel like going to town on yourself, feel free. If you want to light some candles, throw rose petals around your bed, and have a “you” night, be my guest. However, there is no need for you to write a song about it.

6. "One Way or Another" - Blondie

Creepiest creep lyric: One way or another I'm gonna find ya

I'm gonna getcha getcha getcha getcha

One way or another I'm gonna win ya

I'm gonna getcha getcha getcha getcha

One way or another I'm gonna see ya

I'm gonna meetcha meetcha meetcha meetcha

One day, maybe next week

I'm gonna meetcha, I'm gonna meetcha, I'll meetcha

Girls can be a little crazy when they are in love, but their craziness usually stops at the Facebook creeping and sending a few too many texts. This girl however, has no problem with driving by your house, watching what you do and making sure that one day…she is going to get you.

7. "Every Breath You Take" - The Police

Creepiest creep lyric: Every breath you take

Every move you make

Every bond you break

Every step you take

I'll be watching you

Every single day

Every word you say

Every game you play

Every night you stay

I'll be watching you

This is this guy who will follow you to work, to the gym, to lunch with your friends, even to the dentist. He has wired your whole house, he goes through your garbage and his whole house is covered in pictures and memorabilia of you. If someone like this wrote or dedicated this song to you, you might as well just call the FBI right now because you may have the next Ted Bundy on your hands.

How about instead of a creepy love song, just give your crush a pizza. Everybody likes pizza.

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