Topless billboards, the Moulin Rouge, supportless clubgoers, ooo la la; what guy wouldn’t want to hit up Paris for some lady action. They’re free spirited, and French. But our friends across the Atlantic have decided that the female sex shouldn’t be the only one expected to strip down to their skivvies in public places.
Expecting to seek shelter from hot French summers in the public pool rocking the latest Qucksilver boardshorts? Non, Monsieur. You will likely not even be allowed in.
The attendant will stop you, shake his head at your knee-length apparel, deem them complètement inderdit, and usher you over to the vending machine in the corner where you will be expected to purchase a disposable slip de bain.
Banana hammock, penis cast, Speedo.
It’s like the French know how we, as Americans, are of the land of the free and home of the self-conscious. Maybe they’re trying to put a little brave back in there?
Trust me, as a woman it’s generally more disturbing than it is humorous. I really wouldn’t care to see my own boyfriend in a pair of skimpy budgie smugglers, let alone think of the mortification of my father diving in; I definitely wouldn’t be able to associate myself without dying of laughter.
The issue lies with hygiene. In theory, your boardshorts could be worn around all day walking around, in restaurants, on the metro, and there’s no telling how much filth they accumulate, which in turn assists in the speedy buildup of gunk in the pool filters. And we just can’t have that. The obvious solution is to simply ban anything that resembles clothing. No questions asked.
So thanks for taking one for the team, gentlemen. Who knows, you may find it a bit freeing, and I’ve heard you will glide like a fish.
"Speedos ONLY!!!" by Jay Bergesen, used under CC BY 2.0
