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Monday, September 25, 2023

Dear Mediocre,

What should I do for my 21st birthday?

- Girls Just Wanna Have Fun

Dear Girls Just Wanna Have Fun,

It’s your big 21. Congratulations, you made it. Listen, if you’re looking for fun, you’ve come to the right place. Reaching 21 is a big deal, because you’ve hit your first important milestone: legal drinking. For this one night, you have the right to get absolutely trashed without any repercussions. This is your free pass.

Now, the 21 shots on your 21st birthday is stupid. You’re basically asking for alcohol poisoning. Instead, gather a group of your most alcoholic friends and get pseudo-drunk off their vibes. It’s a real thing. Wear the shortest dress and highest heels in your closet to assure when you start walking funny down University Avenue, you’ll look your absolute best. Nothing says classy like a 21-year-old in stripper heels and a micro-mini. Maybe wear some knee pads too, so when you fall — and you will — you don’t have to walk around with the scars that remind you of your night of bad decisions.

Just looking out.

Lastly, make sure to eat like a hog on your special night, because on your 21st, the calories don’t count.



Dear Mediocre,

What country should I emigrate to in the event that the election goes terribly, horribly, orangely wrong?

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- Politically Mindful

Dear Politically Mindful,

I don’t like getting involved with drama, but my advice would be Finland. People just look happy there.



Dear Mediocre,

What do you think about sex before marriage?

- Conservative

Dear Conservative,

Oh, boy.

Once again, this is a topic a lot of different people have a lot of different feelings about. But, staying true to the honesty of this column, I’ll go ahead and give you an earful of what I think about premarital sex.


It’s a big cliche, but don’t buy the car before you take it for a test drive. I mean, what if it doesn’t start? What if it stalls out on you? You need to make sure you don’t fall victim to these tragedies. Sexy time is a big part of what keeps relationships strong. Maybe you’re shaking your head and talking about all of the other important “values” relationships have, but sex is like the heart. You can’t really survive without it.

So yeah, have sex. And not just once, and not just with one person. Explore, have fun, be safe — but abandon those stuffy morals. You’re better off without them.

Have fun,


P.S. Not having condoms is never an excuse not to be safe. The Student Health Care Center has giant bowls of freebies.

Dear Mediocre,

What is your ideal relationship?

- Curious

Dear Curious,

My ideal relationship goes a little something like this:

I like long, romantic walks to the bar.

Just kidding. Well, kind of. I’m an alpha female, so 50/50 is super important. And I’m also crazy at times, so 75/25 is important, too. My ideal relationship is with someone who can read minds and provide me with an endless supply of ultra matte liquid lipsticks.

A girl can dream, right?


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