Well, dear readers, this is it. We’re calling it. The end is nigh — and not the cool kind of Nye we all know and love from probably the only thing we liked in elementary school more than recess: “Bill! Bill! Bill!” (If this reference went over your head, you need some more science and bowties in your life!) But for real, the coming months are basically life-or-death… or move to Canada.
Wal-Mart is well on its way to using drones. Yes, you heard that right. The megastore plans to implement drones for monitoring inventory at its warehouses and distribution centers across the country. Designers and engineers estimate the new technology will be able to scan as many products in one day as a human worker can scan with hand-held technology in one month, according to an RT report.
For those of you who’ve seen any sort of apocalyptic thriller or contemplated the end of days in light of recent political news — we’re right there with ya — you know what’s about to happen. It always starts with talks of “convenience” — customer satisfaction, efficiency, sales optimization, etc. Then, all of a sudden, you and Arnold Schwarzenegger are fighting for your lives to keep Skynet from uploading.
Don’t just take our word for it. Look to the way leading researchers and Wal-Mart spokespeople are describing the technology. Shekar Natarajan, Wal-Mart’s vice president of engineering sciences, told reporters, “We are still in early phases of testing and understanding how drones can be better used in different types of business functions.”
Different types of business functions: What are the implications of this? Around the world, people reportedly fear clear, open skies because of the imminent threat to civilian life that U.S. drones present. With drones loyal to Wal-Mart abound in our city streets, what happens if you get the sudden urge to shop at Target one day or take a stroll over to Publix for a classic sub?
Are we supposed to just accept the fact that at any point it’s bye-bye to the soccer mom who chose to buy a Publix cheesecake for her child’s birthday instead of those imposter concoctions in Wal-Mart’s “dessert” aisles?
Read between the lines, dear readers. They court us with their yellow smiley face logo and offensively polite door greeters; meanwhile they amass a secret drone army to forcibly direct our consumer allegiance to their shopping aisles alone, picking off one-by-one those who would take their business elsewhere.
We at the Alligator say to this, no more. We the people will develop an addiction to low-price retail shopping on our own terms, thank you very much. It’s time we stood together and said enough is enough; it’s time we fight back.
Now, some of you have never seen the face of battle, and we’re up against a god-king: a corporate monopoly, armed with all of its drones, whose Gross Domestic Product is larger than most countries. But we’re neither helpless nor alone. We’re armed with the might of all the hipster thrift stores, the mom-and-pop-locally-sourced vegan restaurants and, of course, the fearless, CIA-trained squirrel army of UF. We are a force to be reckoned with.
And to those who would doubt our cause, who would decry our free-market insurgency with a cry, “This is madness!” we urge you to stand your ground and remind them: This. Is. Gainesville.
