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Friday, August 12, 2022

Texting: a seven-letter word that has taken over our lives in this past decade. What used to be a handful of cellphone owners has quickly turned into the majority of the population. And a big part of communication exists from furiously thumbing away at a glass screen. These are modern times, and if you don’t want to get left behind, then here is a crash course on the different texters of this technology-crazed generation.

Note: Some categories coincide with others. That’s life.

The “Fast Response” texter:

This breed of texter is usually female. She is a social media expert, and her phone typically lives in her hand. Anything below 50 percent battery makes her anxious. She has multiple fingerprint passcodes for quick access. She will text in the shower, risking her phone’s life in dangerous, watery situations for selfies at the pool. She personalizes text tones to rank level of importance. Paragraph-long texts are the norm. She hates one-word responses, and she will always text back.

The “Voice-To-Text” texter:

Gender is unknown. Typically a workaholic or a person on the go. Most texting occurs on lunch breaks or mid-transit via voice-to-text. Grammatically incorrect 99.99 percent of the time. Curse words appear with the first letter followed by asterisks, because Siri don’t play. Can usually tell when a voice-to-texter is actually texting because of lowercase “I’s” and fully spelled out curse words. Turnover time is usually lengthy. Will use excuses like, “I sent that hours ago,” or “Sorry, tied up in a meeting.” Paragraph-long texts are rare and usually the product of anger or story telling. Either loves to talk on the phone or hates to talk on the phone. There is no in-between.

The “Emoji Queen” texter:

A common breed of texters (usually women — let’s be real here) that use emojis like they’re going out of style. These texters are comfortable with sending four lines of the laughing emoji followed by one crying emoji to express just how funny they found something. They often use emojis to replace words. Insert emoji crown here. They text back fast. They use emojis to show love and throw shade. Holidays and emojis are carefully coordinated with each other. Always pays phone bill on time.

The “Screenshot” texter:

Definitely female. Also uses the laughing emoji often. Would spontaneously combust if screenshots ever became discoverable. Concentrates when using Snapchat so they don’t accidentally screenshot. Has more photos in screenshot folder than camera roll. Will talk smack via texts using screenshots. Not good at telling stories. Hates explaining things. Minimalist.

The “Read Receipts” texter:

Male (typically — a woman with read receipts on is like an albino alligator — they exist, but you don’t see them often). Doesn’t really follow rules. Couldn’t care less about what you think. Boss.

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The “Let Me Get My Glasses” texter:

Male or female. Usually older. Doesn’t understand how to use emojis so uses a colon and parenthesis to demonstrate emotion in texts. Can often be heard cursing about technology. Prefers to call at 8 a.m. Always signs texts “love so and so.”

The “Oh My God Someone Texted Me!” texter:

This texter comes in many forms. They either never have their phones on hand, because they know not to expect any messages, or they compensate for the loss by spending heaps of time on their phone. On social media, type B is always the first to like or comment on a status, retweet a photo or double tap for a like on the ‘gram. If you know this breed of texter, show them some love. Stat.

The “Five Texts That Should Have Been One” texter:

Big time coffee drinker. Easily excited, and often anxious. Has a lot to say. In everyday speech, this texter often jumbles words he or she tries to say too fast. Grammatically correct. Corrects mistakes before reader can read first text. Often a victim of “Do Not Disturb.”

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