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Sunday, November 28, 2021

Life is strange. The future is unpredictable. You find that scary. You seek answers everywhere, but the more you discover, the less you know. The confusion slowly dissipates, and fear starts to take its place. All hope seems lost. In the darkness, you see a flicker of light. With curiosity ablaze you chase after the glimmer, and as you grow nearer and nearer you stumble upon the Friday edition of the Independent Florida Alligator. In it, you find something that makes everything okay. That something is…

Darts & Laurels

Perhaps the most absurd political argument we’ve heard this week is the whole “Hillary Clinton had a cough” thing. With all the questionable political arguments Clinton has engaged in, the fact that people have to resort to a cough is simply pathetic. It shows absolutely no interest in actually solving the problems that plague our great country. Regardless, a dart to the human respiratory system for spazzing out and giving Clinton’s opposition some supermarket tabloid/grandparent email crap to complain about for the whole week.

Moving away from the tabloids, a group of Italian researchers found a cluster of stars that gives clues to the universe’s mysterious past. These stars, according to the study’s lead scientist, professor Francesco Ferraro of the University of Bologna, represent “the first cosmic structure at the time when the universe was a baby, just 1 billion years old.” We give a laurel to you, professor Ferraro, for giving us this amazing picture of our past.

Speaking of the past, musical genius Justin Vernon and his most popular musical project, Bon Iver, have not released a full-length album since their self-titled album, “Bon Iver, Bon Iver,” which debuted in 2011. In three short weeks, their newest album, “22, A Million,” will be released. To tease us, Vernon has released three gorgeous singles. A laurel is therefore presented to Vernon’s ethereal voice for blessing us with these early album gifts.

Actually, a lot of very sweet gifts were given out this week. For us Floridians, there was an especially nice one. You may remember Florida Attorney General Pam Bondi for her decision not to join in on the infamous Trump University (the university whose own employees called it a huge fraud) Lawsuit. As a thank-you, Donald Trump held a fundraiser for her that cost him about $150,000. We gift a dart to not only everybody involved in this obnoxious political game, but also to everyone who has criticized Hillary Clinton for less but will not call out Trump.

That’s it, dear reader. We live in a world of inconsistency. We are part of a Gator generation that saw a minority party gain an electoral victory in Student Government. While the status quo was quickly restored, we could not help but notice nine parties are registered for the Fall election cycle. While there is no denying campus politics are going to be unbelievably wacky this year, the fact that the Taco Libre Party might be making a resurgence is a blessing. We give a preemptive laurel to everyone who votes in the SG elections for hopefully not wasting their vote on this comically narrow-interest party, and one to Taco Libre Party for caring so intensely for tacos’ rights on campus.

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