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Wednesday, February 21, 2024

You’re sitting in lecture, listening to your professor drone on about some topic you won’t even be tested on. You feel your eyelids getting heavier and heavier. Your head drops down. Reflexively, your body jerks back and your eyelids shoot open. “Everything OK?” your friend next to you whispers. “Barts and Royals,” you deliriously mumble back. “Huh? Whatever, dude,” she says before glancing down at her notes. You lull slowly back to sleep, and as you’re drooling on your desk, you have a dream about…

Darts & Laurels

What a week it has been, dear readers. On campus, it’s Homecoming week! Today, there’s a parade in which students, staff, alumni, locals and people from all walks of life will be here in Gainesville to enjoy the floats, be merry and cheer on the Gators as they take on the University of Missouri tomorrow here in the Swamp. Pro tip: pick up a copy of this very newspaper from one of your favorite independent staff writers. We present a laurel to you, Gator Nation, for the love and support that this week brings out in all of us.

Speaking of love, it’s impossible to turn on the TV and ignore Donald Trump’s strange understanding of love. As disgusting as the “Access Hollywood” tape was, though, it gave some women the courage to go public with their claims that Trump sexually assaulted them. We gift these women a laurel, for their bravery in the face of a man who brings fear to so many of us. We also lob a dart at all the people who come to Trump’s defense and excusing his vile rhetoric as “locker-room talk.” This disgusting, and quite simply, bad logic is why we have people like Brock Turner running around.

But today should not be a day filled with contempt and disgust, so join us as we think about what makes today so special. Today marks a great day for the UF Student Body and Gainesville alike. Some of you will spend today finding relief from midterm exams, some of you will spend today with friends in the wake of the parade and preparing for tomorrow’s game and some of you will simply revel in the cool autumn air that has finally come about — albeit temporarily. Homecoming Friday has shaped up to be a day of relaxation, anticipation and communion, and for that we grant today a laurel. Enjoy the spirit-infused day with some spirit-infused beverages, if you’re in the spirit. Spirit.

Meanwhile in Switzerland, some committee somewhere decided to bestow upon American legend Bob Dylan the Nobel Prize in literature for “having created new poetic expressions within the great American song tradition.” We here at the Alligator know there are two types of people in this world: people who appreciate and understand the genius of Dylan and people who find amusement in kicking cute, defenseless puppies. So gather around, Gators, wherever you roam: You know damn well we’re giving this laurel to Grammy-winning, Golden-Globe-clinching, Academy-Award-receiving, Pulitzer-achieving, Presidential-Medal-of-Freedom-earning and, now, Nobel Prize recipient Bob Dylan. This ultimately begs the question: How many roads must a man walk down before you can call him a man?

If you’re 35-year-old Fort Pierce, Florida, local Steve Enalien, the answer to that question is this: enough roads to get you as far away from us as possible. Apparently, Enalien was arrested a few weeks ago on a misdemeanor battery charge. Enalien walked into a Super 8 hotel and helped himself to some coffee and cookies. When the woman at the front desk said the cookies were only for guests, which he was not, he threw the cookies at her angrily. Well, Mr. Enalien, we throw a dart at you for trying to use cookies as a weapon. You cookie monster, you.

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