After Week 3 left us with more questions than answers (Was UF’s win vs. Tennessee a fluke? What really qualifies as a “Hail Mary?” Will freshman DB McArthur Burnett ever get tired of flipping off opposing fans?), the Gators leave behind palm trees for bluegrass as they take on the Kentucky Wildcats in Lexington on Saturday. Kentucky hasn’t beaten Florida in 30 years, since Bruce Springsteen, Madonna, and way before Nirvana. What would be more impressive than UK snapping the streak? One of our picks competitors going 8-for-8. But before we meet our pickers, let’s have alligatorSports writers Ian Cohen and Dylan Dixon give us an in-depth breakdown of one of the games we’ll be watching this weekend (if there are no other games on): Ball State @ Western Kentucky.
Ball State (+7.5) wins because…
Ball State’s mascot is Charlie the Cardinal. Cardinals are commonly found in North America, specifically in woodlands. Woodlands are dying because of deforestation. Deforestation happens when trees are cut down. Down is a direction. So is south. South is the same direction Ball State has to travel to face Western Kentucky this weekend.
That’s a sign. Ball State wins, 34-20.
Hopefully the game makes more sense than that paragraph just did.
Western Kentucky (-7.5) wins because…
Florida men’s basketball coach Mike White may have led the Gators on a deep postseason run to the Elite Eight this past spring, but there’s another Mike White over in Bowling Green, Kentucky, that’s deserving of some love as well.
He’s Western Kentucky starting quarterback Mike White, and he’s guaranteed to lead the Hilltoppers to victory over the Ball State Cardinals this weekend.
Expect White to throw for 700-plus yards and nine touchdowns in a 66-10 win. Why? Because I said so.
Now, onto our competitors!
In first place with a 13-10 record sits 247Sports writer Thomas “Doin’ the Dew” Goldkamp, who live tweeted his misadventure of trying to find Mountain Dew without leaving his house earlier this week. Eventually he was able to get a pizza place to drop off a few liters out of pity. We’d burn you harder, but as an agoraphobic who can’t go hours without soda, we know you don’t like to be involved in burning anything, especially calories.
Tied for first is GatorCountry’s Nick “smoker’s voice” de la Torre, who has been sick and made fun of by multiple players for his nails-on-a-chalkboard voice this week. He plays it off as saying he’s just like Gators offensive coordinator Doug Nussmeier, who has an equally raspy tone. But the only real thing they have in common is not understanding football.
Also tied for first is the Gainesville Sun’s Graham “social media master” Hall. When Graham’s not on Twitter posting lame jokes, irrelevant recruiting news, or retweeting Jordan McPherson’s actual reporting, he’s busy … oh wait, I think that’s everything.
In fourth place with a 12-11 record sits alligatorSports editor Matt “Humpty Dumpty” Brannon, who spent three hours at the infirmary this Wednesday after suffering a big fall on his bike. Like Humpty, Matt’s brittle, fragile bones weren’t able to withstand the impact of his wipeout, forcing him into a full arm cast for the rest of the week. We know you like to ride your bike with reckless abandon, Matt, but maybe pay attention to your surroundings next time before pedaling straight into a row of parked scooters. It’ll save you the embarrassment of getting compared to a pitiful, wounded egg.
Tied with Matt for fourth is Ethan “religion fascinates me way too much” Bauer, who attended a Jewish Rosh Hashanah service on Thursday night but couldn’t stop peppering the alligatorSports’ resident Jew, Ian Cohen, with questions about how he should prepare. The questions didn’t stop. “What should I wear?” “Where should I sit?” “When do we perform the circumcision?” Jesus Christ man, you really do know nothing about Judaism. Hopefully you made it out OK.
Also in tied for fourth is the Orlando Sentinel's Edgar “can you hear me now” Thompson, who gave his cell phone to a Gators cheerleader this week when she needed to borrow it. It was nice of Edgar sure, but not as nice as the cheerleader acted when she pretended not to see the shirtless selfies of Edgar licking his putter like a popsicle.
In second to last place with a 9-14 record is the Alligator’s Dylan “debauchery” Dixon, who missed work Sunday after being too hungover to get out of bed. Dylan said he had a wild night, but if you know him, that just means he fell asleep in a cold bathtub drinking sangria out of a coffee cup, again.
In the caboose with a 6-17 record is the Alligator’s Ian “make fun of me all you want” Cohen, who wore a 360-degree, wrap-around ostrich pillow (see photo) over his head on the road trip to Lexington. That’s right Ian, we will make fun of you, just be glad we’re taunting you because you look like an elephant fetus crowning feet first out of its mother instead of your equally gross picks record.
Eight Gators writers pick eight games from this weekend's college football slate.
An ashamed Ian Cohen dons an ostrich pillow during a drive to Lexington, Kentucky.