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Thursday, March 23, 2023

Turkey Tips: How to deal with Thanksgiving this year

So, you’re headed home for Thanksgiving, or maybe you’re headed out-of-state to see extended family. Either way, at some point this week, you’ll be sitting down with your family and talking about… well, you, probably. You’ve been away at college, and your loved ones will want to know three things:

How’re you doing?

How’s your schoolwork?

Has the liberal Kool-Aid brainwashed you into committing moral suicide yet?

That second question can be a tough one to answer, and the third question is kind of weird, too. Luckily, we at the Alligator are here to help you prepare for Thanksgiving Break with some..

 Just the Turkey Tips

First thing’s first: You know your family is going to bring up the recent sexual allegations against literally every man who has ever breathed air. If they try to defend any of those men — like Harvey Weinstein, Louis CK or Kevin Spacey — remind them Rasputin probably groped a nun or something, too. Explain to your conservative uncle exactly how dire seuxal assualt is and how prevalent it is on college campuses. Remember, every awkward conversation can become a teaching moment.

Second, they’re without a doubt going to ask about Richard Spencer. “Why didn’t you all just leave him alone and let him speak to no one?” “Why are you giving him all this attention?” We at the Alligator stand by our convictions of having covered the event, so in that same vein we recommend you stand by yours as well. You might find it hard to put into words the positive impact of peaceful protest, especially with your family breathing down your neck. So, we’ve written up a brief dialogue you can recite to your family when Richard Spencer inevitably gets brought up. It is as follows:

Father: Why didn’t you all just leave him alone and let him speak to no one?

Son: Rasputin may or may not have groped a nun.

Mother: Why are you giving him all this attention?

Son: More recent historians argue Rasputin’s allegations are blown out of proportion, that many of them are rumors propagated by contemporary Russian nobles. But he still probably maybe groped that nun that one time.

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Third, “Do you have a boyfriend/girlfriend yet?” This is easy. First, you explain to them the myth of the gender binary, then you explain the different types of sexuality and how they can manifest. Let them know not everyone is looking for a healthy relationship all the time and cite, for example, the chances are good that Rasputin groped a nun at some point during his time in the Russian court. Remember: You are not obligated to find a partner. That is your choice to make, not your family’s.

“How do you think Trump’s doing?” We know you’ll want to rattle off every single thing wrong with his presidency and his face, but we implore you: Hold it in, for your sake and your family’s. Keep that discussion brief. It’s not worth the debate, and if you dig yourself a hole you’re not getting out. Just state the facts — that it’s speculated that Rasputin more likely than not groped a nun — and move on.

And most direly, you know your family will ask you if any close friends of the Romanov dynasty committed any heinous acts against the Russian Orthodox clergy. To this, you can tell your family:

“Well, Nicholas II was kind of a douche.”

We hope this helps.

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