If I had to describe the American side of my family in one scene from a TV show, it would definitely be from “Desperate Housewives” season four episode 14.
Bree says whenever she “feels her emotions getting the best of her,” she “pictures an empty box, puts her emotions in the box and puts that box in an empty closet.”
Then she deals with her emotions later. I’m not trying to say all American families are as cold as mine, but in comparison to my Arab family, they are Antarctica.
When spending time with my Palestinian family, it is not uncommon for them to erupt in passionate yelling and expressive faces. There is seemingly zero wait time between when someone feels offended and when they verbally seek apology or retribution. No issue is too small to be brought up.
Didn’t like how someone neglected the dishes? Yell. Didn’t like someone’s tone? Yell. Someone stole your clothes? Yell, yell, yell.
I can’t even count how many nights of my childhood I was kept up from the sounds of my aunts’ petty fights. A miscommunication with your cousin on the school bus can quickly lead to an intense WWE-style wrestling match on the couch (there is a reason why I’m so tough).
Is it possible this assertive, passionate and confrontational culture is actually healthier than what I experience back home in the U.S.?
My American mother’s side of the family deals with things a little differently. They experience similar frustrations, but their coping tools are a bit unsatisfying in my opinion.
In fact, they’ll do just about anything besides confrontation: the silent treatment, absence from family events, separate therapy sessions and the ostracizing of family members for decades at a time. There is more of an emphasis on being well-mannered and civilized than on being heard.
We're often encouraged to pretend like things never happened and just move on. But it is clear these feelings bubble under the surface and sometimes build up into an emotional volcano that erupts at the slightest irritation. At that point, confrontation is forced, but the origins of these feelings are mixed and can seem unfounded. These types of last-minute conflicts aren’t usually resolved well.
Obviously, my Arab family members don’t always resolve their problems through yelling and talking, but they do confront each other and make themselves heard. I am not condoning violent and directionless anger but rather constructive and controlled expression.
Holding in your emotions is really toxic sometimes. It leads to accumulated anger and bitterness toward each other. There must be some kind of release.
When my immediate family fights, it’s common to see us laughing together 10 minutes later. Family shouldn’t hold grudges; they should talk to each other.
We tend to be overly polite to friends and coworkers because we know they aren’t family and won’t love us unconditionally. But I believe that by addressing people and making our feelings heard, we can save relationships and be more successful at school and work.
Layla Soboh is a UF advertising junior. Her column comes out on Tuesdays.
