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Tuesday, April 16, 2024

Cease and desist: A comprehensive collection of small irritations

The Alligator’s editorial board is always on the hunt for wrongdoers to write editorials about. We keep a watchful eye on who elevates our heart rate, no matter how small the infraction, so we can take them to task in a 600-word smackdown. But most of the people who end up on our list are too mundane to merit a full declaration. We have compiled a selection of those who didn’t make the cut so we may condemn them all simultaneously. We hope none of our readers are a part of these groups who commit small, commonplace sins.

Our grievances begin with a category of individuals whose personalities revolve around having mundane superiority complexes. Some feel superior because they can drink more than others. If you didn’t black out at the last party, they will let you know that they drank more than you did. Others mount a high horse because they manage to stay awake in class despite only running on three hours of sleep, whereas you’re having a low-energy afternoon with an ample five. How dare you mention your headache in their more sleep-deprived presence? Black coffee drinkers, you who look down on the supposedly weak and unsophisticated who take cream and sugar: Your self-deprivation does not make you superior. Everyone also seems to have a friend who will chime in with their opinion when you mention you have Spotify or Apple Music — because of course one is better than the other, and it’s never the one you have.

Some students also seem to think they know more than their professors and speak up without reason in class to make a correction. These students unashamedly spout mistaken facts to a subject matter expert who may have lived through the events they’re describing. The worst part is they don’t know how much they don’t know.

One group deserves special classification — those who become zen spiritual counselors after reading ‘Siddhartha’ once in What is the Good Life.

On the topic of Good Life, freshmen are the origin of several more grievances. Now that they’ve been accepted into Gainesville’s culture and become Gators, it’s time they were told that being a junior by credits is not impressive. Freshmen, we advise you not to casually bring up your advanced classification. Avoid the eye-rolling altogether. The same goes for freshmen who think they can triple major. Drop the act before you’re crushed under the weight of your own backpack.

Roommates are simultaneously our best friends and worst enemies. As a subcategory of human, roommates are more prone to leave takeout in the fridge long enough to ferment or let a dish grow a moldy wig on the counter. The fungus-cultivating roommate is more common than you’d think, and if you don’t have roommates like that, it’s probably you.

There are several dating sinners we’d like to point out. To those who list liking “The Office” as their only personality trait: branch out. That’s not exciting enough, even if your impression of Kevin spilling the chili is on point. If you find yourself paying for an empty apartment and staying with your significant other most nights, do your wallet a favor and just move. There is also a category of people who will go on a coffee date but sit silently through it, forcing an awkward hour onto the other party. Worse are those who refuse to talk about anything except school and classes.

We will end by mentioning the most puzzling group of all; they cause us more so to scowl than bristle in frustration. They are everywhere around you. They walk among us and look like us, but do not be fooled — they could not be more different. They pull the cord as the bus approaches the Hub. Please alert the authorities if you see them.

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