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Tuesday, December 07, 2021

Those all-nighters are really starting to catch up to you. Your caffeine intake maxed out like a credit card on your fifth cup of Pumpkin Cream Cold Brew.

You can’t stop yourself from falling asleep in class. At this point, your arms seem like the best substitute for a pillow. You start to drift away, but before your eyes can shut for good, the sharp sound of chalk scratching against a blackboard threatens to make your ears bleed. 

“This information is important for your next exam.” Your professor states eagerly. This class doesn’t offer extra credit, so it’s time to sit up. You try to pry your eyes open to see what it says, but his handwriting is reminiscent of a doctor’s scrawl on a prescription. Maybe you shouldn’t have chosen a seat in the back. 

Sitting up now, you squint to see what he wrote down. On top of the board, you see the date for the exam. Beneath it you see… 

Darts and Laurels

It’s never OK to snitch, especially when you’re a registered sex offender and pedophile. Tekashi 6ix9ine testified on Tuesday against his former gang, the Nine Trey Gangsta Bloods, and even stated that Cardi B was a member of this gang. Of course, she denied this, and we have to give him a dart for squealing like a pig on top of everything else.  

At least someone is trying to own up to their mistakes this week. Justin Trudeau, the Canadian prime minister, recently apologized again for wearing brownface on three separate occasions and admitted he had no idea how many times he’s done it in his lifetime. Despite his honesty, he’s still getting a dart for his actions and what he hasn’t done yet to prove that he isn’t actually racist. 

Madame Tussauds, on the other hand, deserves a laurel for a long-awaited transformation. The wax museum recently unveiled their new wax statue of Beyonce – and it actually looks like her this time. It is set to reside in the Queen’s Palace, a fitting home for the Queen herself. 

Although they aren’t saying it outright, Colt has recently made a significant change as well. The gun manufacturer announced on Thursday they would cease to sell the AR-15 rifle, a gun commonly used in mass shootings. It may not hinder the entire usage of the weapon, but they definitely deserve a laurel for trying. 

Good things can come from surprising places, and the last laurel goes to the Area 51 Raid organizers who decided to celebrate after the storm. We have to give some respect for their creativity and dedication. The Area 51 raid started on Facebook got so popular that the FBI began to take precautions, going so far as to contact the creator of the event. 

Unfortunately, things that sound good can end up being absolutely terrible, and such is the case for lovebugs. They deserve the final dart for ruining the pleasant weather with their omnipresence. Maybe if they would stop mating with their butts, they wouldn’t bump into us every time we step outside.

The Editorial Board consists of Zora Viel, Opinions Editor; Amanda Rosa, Editor-in Chief; Kelly Hayes, Digital Managing Editor; and Tranelle Maner, Engagement Managing Editor.

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