So this Tuesday, in either a stroke of ingenuity or a subconscious desire to get more people to verbally pummel me, I announced to the swarms of Alligator fans that they could use the last paper of the summer to ask whatever their heart desired. Here were some of the gems
"Why does his face look like that?" Since I come from a town that's basically a glorified cow pasture, I figured I needed to boost my cultural cajones. I'm going for the whole Picasso painting thing, so what you may think is autistic, the ladies may think is artistic.
"Where do babies come from?" Tequila...lots and lots of tequila.
"Which bear is best?" Black Bear you say? False. It's Ditka.
"Given Iron is abbreviated "Fe" on the Periodic Table, and Man = Male, does Iron Man = Fe Male?" No, it makes Iron Man a BAMF.
"Better Specialty Match: Hell in the Cell or Lethal Lottery?" Tables, Ladders and Chairs Match. Hell in the Cell blew its load early with some gnarly matches but officially lost its edge when it allowed Kevin Nash to compete in one. Watching Lethal Lottery is a lot like trying to hook up with your hot but puritanically conservative Christian girlfriend. It sounds incredibly fun and neat-o in theory, but turns out to be incredibly awkward with her portrait of Jesus staring into the charred remains of your soul. You just can't bring yourself to stick around for the whole thing.
"Would you rather spend one hour arguing nihilistic outlook philosophy with Nietzsche or three hours trying to remove excess grape jelly from your peanut butter toast to try to regain that perfect PB/J equilibrium? It may or may not be useful to know that Planck's Constant is h=6.626*10^-34 J/s. "
For as brilliant and graceful with the intellectual word as he was, Fred gets dominated on this for two reasons. One: Joan Pruner makes the meanest PBJ on this side of the Mississippi, and nobody beats Joan Pruner at anything - period. Two: The Nietzsch' has become the patron saint of those afflicted with wearing their sister's jeans, drinking organic lamb tears and who think their putrid existence of living in their parents' high six-figure home and eating three square meals is just too much to bear. Naw trick!
Here's a follow-up. "If I said I have pioneered an interesting and exclusive new surgery which would entail me fusing your DNA with that of a firetruck, would you agree to the procedure? Assume I am world-renowned doctor with some serious erudition in my arts and that this procedure will not be physically or fiscally harmful to you in any way. Assume also that weight will be calculated in grams, acceleration due to gravity is -9.8 m/s^2, and that the constant at the end of the integrand is equal to zero."
Well, that one is easy: Ronald Reagan.
CJ Pruner is the editor-in-chief of the Alligator.
