There used to be a time when movie rental stores roamed free across this vast land. Blockbuster would graze happily on its nourishing customer base. Rival species Hollywood Video would gladly pick up the scraps.
It’s no secret to those of us in Gainesville that Cox Communications sucks. But elsewhere in the U.S., there are plenty of service options. If you don’t like watching TV while it’s raining outside, you can opt with DirecTV (owned by AT&T). If you have no regard for your bandwidth, Sling TV might be for you. If you’re a masochist who likes being treated like s--- by customer service reps, Dish Network is right up your alley.
What great nation has lasted an eternity? Some empires come to mind when we try to answer this question. The Roman Empire lasted roughly 507 years. While Judaism is roughly 2,500 years old, the Jewish nation has come and gone many times over the course of that history. This year, our democracy in America rejoiced in its 240th birthday.
You’ve been studying all week. Late nights in the library. Early mornings with the study group. You’ve never felt more prepared for an exam in your life. Now, here you are, sitting in the exam room with your blue book in front of you. “I’m ready for this,” you think to yourself as the teaching assistants pass out the exams. Once they’ve all been dispersed, you read the first question on the exam. But it’s not really a question. You raise your hand, and a TA walks over. “Is this a joke?” you ask. The TA shrugs, mutters “good luck,” and walks away. You glance back down at the exam, hoping it’s changed. It isn’t. Staring right back at you are 35 questions, each with four multiple choice answers, each question and each answer reading nothing but…
In history, there have been scientific discoveries responsible for the general well-being of the human race. Moreover, many of those discoveries were found by accident. In 1928, Scottish biologist Alexander Fleming was doing work trying to rid the world of the super inconvenient staph infection. When he left his dirty dishes out over the weekend in his laboratory, an unfamiliar fungus covered them. That fungus, Fleming learned, killed all surrounding bacteria. Thus, penicillin was discovered, or invented, forever changing the world of medicine. If that doesn’t convince you that some of the most amazing scientific projects succeeded by accident, the fact that Viagra was originally created to combat minor chest pains should.
There is a religious private school, somewhere out there in this great big world, that teaches young Muslim women that it is morally permissible for men to strike their wives, to kill gay people and that Jews and Christians upset Allah. If we were to ask you where you think such a school was situated, what would you say? Iraq? Pakistan? Iran?
In Steven Spielberg’s classic “Minority Report,” three mutants predict murders before they happen. In a futuristic Washington, D.C., a special division of police are responsible for stopping and apprehending murderers before they even commit the act. If you haven’t seen it, and have two hours and 26 minutes to burn sometime in the very near future, do yourself a favor and watch it.
You’re sitting in lecture, listening to your professor drone on about some topic you won’t even be tested on. You feel your eyelids getting heavier and heavier. Your head drops down. Reflexively, your body jerks back and your eyelids shoot open. “Everything OK?” your friend next to you whispers. “Barts and Royals,” you deliriously mumble back. “Huh? Whatever, dude,” she says before glancing down at her notes. You lull slowly back to sleep, and as you’re drooling on your desk, you have a dream about…
Do you remember, dear reader, sitting in a Drug Abuse Resistance Education class in elementary school, taking that solemn and sacred vow to never touch drugs? We do. Statistically, most of you have broken that oath. It’s no secret that a sizable portion of the college demographic has experimented with cannabis in one of its many forms.
Four ape-like creatures sat at the base of a tree in their rainforest habitat. They ate bananas, scratched their hindquarters, picked bugs out of one another’s hair and worried very little about the pressures of survival. Life was simple.
According to Godwin’s law, “As an online discussion grows longer, the probability of a comparison involving Nazism or Hitler approaches one.” For those of you with no background in statistics, this means the longer an online discussion is, the more likely it is that someone will compare Nazism or Hitler to his or her opponent’s side of the argument. Given that this election is immersed in online communication, it’s unsurprising our candidates are already being compared to the early 1900s political movement.
Fellow Gators and football fans, we need to sit down and have a chat about your behavior over this weekend. A state of emergency was declared over our great state as Hurricane Matthew wreaked havoc in the Caribbean and our east coast. As of press time, 902 people have perished in the wake of this catastrophic storm.
You’re at a concert, standing with some friends in the pit. “Hello Gainesville!” shouts the lead singer to his adoring fans. You start singing along to the lyrics of their No.1 song, but something’s off. The singer’s lips are moving to the actual lyrics, but all you hear through the microphone is “Darts and Laurels, Darts and Laurels.” You look to your friend to see what’s up. But instead of your friend, it’s one of those creepy clowns. It tilts its head, looks into your soul and whispers, “What, don’t you love this song?”
It was astonishing, the vice presidential debate between Tim Kaine and Mike Pence. It looked oddly familiar. It looked nothing like the debate between Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump a few weeks ago. No, this debate was full of substance, political theory and, for the most part, well-developed arguments. Kaine and Pence got on that stage and actually looked like what two respectable candidates ought to. It seems the debate we watched Tuesday is the debate we had traditionally been watching. For once, we felt nostalgic.
Many students at UF have taken statistics classes at some point in their lives. Whether they came to UF with AP Statistics credits in their back pockets or took Introduction to Statistics 1 here, it’s comforting to know that those in our campus environment acknowledge and respect statistical truth, even if, by taking those classes, they understand how easily manipulated statistics can be. Regardless, the website FiveThirtyEight, created by statistical superstar Nate Silver, published an article yesterday with a gripping headline: “People Who Oppose Gay Marriage Are Less Likely To Value Expert Opinion.”
Fads come and go. In 2016, some of the best moments can be had sitting on the Plaza of the Americas, watching people as they stroll all the way from Anderson Hall to Turlington Plaza, selfie stick in hand, to document this fascinating migration. Fitbits must always be on, because how else would people keep track of how many calories they burned playing “Pokemon Go”? Why not let everyone know what you just did by sending them a Snapchat with that puppy-dog face?
Perhaps one of the biggest reasons the “Star Wars” franchise is so well-celebrated is its character depth. In the latest installment, “The Force Awakens,” the two protagonists meet Han Solo and ask themselves whether he is a “war hero” or a “smuggler.” It’s a chuckle-inducing conversation. We remember the quasi-duality of Han Solo in the original trilogy. He was a renegade, a drinker, a gamblin’ man and a cheat. Solo, while certainly a pretty face, had all the charisma and romantic prowess of a drunken fraternity brother. His irresponsibility, lack of foresight and self-important cavalier attitude expressed arrogance and a blatant disregard for other people’s lives. Said plainly: Han Solo was kind of a d-----. More “smuggler” than “war hero,” without a doubt.
“I’m not mad, I’m just disappointed,” your father says, sitting down at the edge of the bed. “I was young once too, y’know.” He chuckles to himself. “I remember when I read my first Darts & Laurels. I was just 17, a freshman at UF. All my friends were reading the Alligator. I figured, if I read it too, maybe I’ll fit in. Maybe I’ll be cool.” He sighs and looks back at you. “You’ll always be my child, and I love you for that alone. But please, make good choices. Keep a good head on those shoulders. I know it’s harmless, but some good people get caught up in some bad things when they read…
Pop quiz: Who said the following quote? “Leaders, true leaders, take responsibility for the success of the team and understand that they must also take responsibility for the failure.” Was it (a) Elon Musk, (b) Steve Jobs, (c) Mark Cuban or (d) Donald Trump? Given how topical the last choice was, those of you unfamiliar with the quote probably guessed correctly.
Solutions by The State News
