Coping with the changes on University AvenueSep. 12, 2016
University Avenue, what happened?
University Avenue, what happened?
Last week in Darts and Laurels, we here at the Alligator gave a dart to the human respiratory system for causing Hillary Clinton to cough. This is problematic because it set off a series of nothing more than bulls--- arguments that — ignoring actual problems in this country — focused on personally attacking Clinton for her health. Typically, those who simply have nothing to bring to the table perpetuate these types of arguments. Ad-hominem attacks are nothing more than a distraction from a total ignorance of political know-how.
Right now, a university is suing its student newspaper.
As I’m sure you can tell from yesterday’s editorial, the talented David Hoffman is taking a break from writing. With that sad news behind us, I feel like I should reintroduce myself. My name is Zachary Lee. I’m very excited to announce that I will be joining the Alligator in a more involved capacity for the remainder of the semester. I’m humbled and honored (typical tacky word choice, but sincere, I assure you) to have you all as my audience.
Hello, dear readers. So, this is David, coming out of the closet to speak to you directly.
Not even two weeks into classes, and we get hit with Hermine, the first hurricane to hit Florida in 11 years. Maybe this is a sign we shouldn’t have come back to school to begin with? Or maybe Mother Nature is just sick of all the “Florida Man” stories and finally decided to pull the plug on our state altogether. Well, Florida, it was fun while it lasted. So as you curl up by the fireplace app on your smartphone and avoid the apocalypse going on outside today, please enjoy our roast of the week, our lighthearted musings, our stormy-day edition of…
Did any of you Gators go surfing over the summer? Well, bust those boards back out and buy an extra pair of swimming trunks, because we’re about to get some serious rain over the next couple of days. Tropical Storm Hermine is set to hit the Big Bend area (aka armpit) of our not-so-Sunshine State today at about 1 p.m.
It’s time we have the talk: not the momma-bird, poppa-bird talk you were warned about in elementary school (hopefully), but rather, the Colin Kaepernick talk. For those of you who don’t know, the San Francisco 49ers quarterback sparked some serious outrage when he unapologetically refused to stand up during the playing of the national anthem during Friday’s game between the 49ers and the Green Bay Packers.
We live in a world full of myths. Never mind the tales of Japanese-born mutant animals that enticed millions of us to actually leave our homes over the Summer and systematically enslave them within our smartphones or the tales of food items having wild sex orgy parties in supermarkets. (Don’t make the same mistake as our opinions editor and watch “Sausage Party” with your parents, thinking it’s only a comedy flick.).
What do you get when you mix a massive oil pipeline, an unregulated oil market and a Native American protest movement making international headlines? The next Quentin Tarantino Western movie… or what’s happening in North Dakota.
Here we are, dear readers: the end of the first week of school. It feels like only a few short hours ago we were packing our bags and kissing our families goodbye as we ventured into the abyss of collegiate life. Time flies when you’re adding and dropping classes like there’s no tomorrow. For all of our new readers out there, welcome to the Friday version of our paper, where we survey the what’s going on in the world and either praise a story with a “laurel” or banish one forever with a “dart.” So get ready for our epic roast, our salty attitude gone wild, our Fall debut of…
Hey, Florida, we did it. For the first time in forever (Any “Frozen” fans out there?), something crazy and nationally humiliating happened, and it wasn’t in our state. Here, here: Drinks on us, everyone. According to the local Channel 8 News, police arrested a man they found publicly masturbating and “acting like (a) gorilla” at Giant Eagle Plaza in Warren, Ohio.
The media needs to relax its relentless Trump coverage. It’s already caused a lot of damage, and it will only continue to get worse.
Well, congratulations, Gator Nation, we made it through a successful first day together. Hopefully you now feel comfortable looking toward the rest of the semester. And even if you’re still feeling kinda “meh” about returning, consider yourself lucky — at least you got to pee in peace.
A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away, a displaced Midwesterner on a crazy acid trip turned to her dog-in-hand and said, “Toto, I have a feeling we’re not in Kansas anymore.”
Governance can be difficult. There are many different competing interests to bear in mind. So, what’s the best way to maintain all of this? Transparency.
It’s the last week of classes, and you’re diligently studying for finals in a library, coffee shop or “Pokegym” of preference. At least, that’s what you tell your people back home. Of course, like any college student in 2016, you’re in awe at the debacle that is our presidential election, dying for a conclusion to the endless media cycles of the “what-he-said-versus-what-she-said” between the two main candidates.
Summer ’16: Here we are, dear readers — the end of an era. It’s been long, hot, sweaty, rainy, long, hot — did we mention hot? It’s crazy how time flies. Five weeks ago, so many of us returned to classes, while many others stepped on campus for the very first time: so young, fresh, innocent. Now, we’re all stuck between the misery of finals and the perilous hopes of a longer summer, watching what feels like a reprisal of “The Twilight Zone” on the news.
Who doesn’t love a good conspiracy film? A lone fighter struggling against a governmental authority responsible for controversial, covert schemes and robbing our fighter of his identity? Matt Damon as Jason Bourne has satisfied such spy inklings for years and will now return. First, there was “The Bourne Identity.” Then, “The Bourne Supremacy” and “The Bourne Ultimatum.”
It’s been a crazy week, dear readers. Between that nonsensical WWE “Whose-nominee-is-this-guy-anyway?” deathmatch in Cleveland, Ohio, and Summer classes, it’s no wonder some of you might feel a bit overwhelmed. In times like these, kicking back and listening to some tunes might be all you need. Might we recommend to you some hot summer ’16 releases like “Dark Necessities” by the Melania Trump Chili Peppers or perhaps “Bored to Death” by Melania-182?