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Friday, April 19, 2024

Opinion | Editorials

Florida Alligator
OPINION  |  EDITORIALS

A serious talk about masturbation humor

Hey, Florida, we did it. For the first time in forever (Any “Frozen” fans out there?), something crazy and nationally humiliating happened, and it wasn’t in our state. Here, here: Drinks on us, everyone. According to the local Channel 8 News, police arrested a man they found publicly masturbating and “acting like (a) gorilla” at Giant Eagle Plaza in Warren, Ohio.


Florida Alligator
OPINION  |  EDITORIALS

Editorial: Reimagining the 2000 election that never was

It’s the last week of classes, and you’re diligently studying for finals in a library, coffee shop or “Pokegym” of preference. At least, that’s what you tell your people back home. Of course, like any college student in 2016, you’re in awe at the debacle that is our presidential election, dying for a conclusion to the endless media cycles of the “what-he-said-versus-what-she-said” between the two main candidates.


Florida Alligator
OPINION  |  EDITORIALS

Darts & Laurels: July 28, 2016

Summer ’16: Here we are, dear readers — the end of an era. It’s been long, hot, sweaty, rainy, long, hot — did we mention hot? It’s crazy how time flies. Five weeks ago, so many of us returned to classes, while many others stepped on campus for the very first time: so young, fresh, innocent. Now, we’re all stuck between the misery of finals and the perilous hopes of a longer summer, watching what feels like a reprisal of “The Twilight Zone” on the news.


Florida Alligator
OPINION  |  EDITORIALS

Editorial: Bourne-ing down the Bern: 2016

Who doesn’t love a good conspiracy film? A lone fighter struggling against a governmental authority responsible for controversial, covert schemes and robbing our fighter of his identity? Matt Damon as Jason Bourne has satisfied such spy inklings for years and will now return. First, there was “The Bourne Identity.” Then, “The Bourne Supremacy” and “The Bourne Ultimatum.”


Florida Alligator
OPINION  |  EDITORIALS

Darts & Laurels: July 21, 2016

It’s been a crazy week, dear readers. Between that nonsensical WWE “Whose-nominee-is-this-guy-anyway?” deathmatch in Cleveland, Ohio, and Summer classes, it’s no wonder some of you might feel a bit overwhelmed. In times like these, kicking back and listening to some tunes might be all you need. Might we recommend to you some hot summer ’16 releases like “Dark Necessities” by the Melania Trump Chili Peppers or perhaps “Bored to Death” by Melania-182?


Florida Alligator
OPINION  |  EDITORIALS

Editorial: Sure, we have Pokemon, but...

Over the next week and a half, the political elite of both major parties will evolve themselves from the primaries to the general election. Afterward, the candidates will ready themselves for battle in the gym we call America, and the two political parties will find themselves, according to The New York Times, $150 million in debt to the private entities (gym leaders) that will write checks for the conventions this year — all the more reason for our representatives to prioritize donors over constituents.


Florida Alligator
OPINION  |  EDITORIALS

Darts & Laurels: July 14, 2016

“Most people think/Great God will come from the skies/Take away everything/And make everybody feel high. But if you know what life is worth/You will look for yours on earth: And now you see the light/You stand up for your rights. Jah!” — To quote the late great former singer of the Wailers and beloved symbol of weed and reggae himself. There’s a lot of wrong in these times we live in. Our country needs healing — and not the kind where we stop at hoping and praying for the best. Far too long we’ve been complacent in the red. Now, in the spirit of completely abrupt and random transitions…


Florida Alligator
OPINION  |  EDITORIALS

Darts & Laurels: June 30, 2016

So, here we are, dear readers: the end of June. For those of you experiencing your first few days here at UF, we at the Alligator would like to welcome you. And for those returning for Summer C, sorry break was only a week. We realize our opinions editor failed to greet you all warmly and probably frightened you a bit Tuesday by jumping straight into a bleak look at the political scene… Damn it, David… you had one job. Anyway, in the words of The Black Eyed Beans — or whatever they’re called — “Let’s get it started (ha).”


Florida Alligator
OPINION  |  EDITORIALS

Editorial: Apocalypse now — but, like, for real this time

The end of the world: We tease the idea here in the opinions section every now and again. Like in our opening editorial of Summer A and C—we mentioned an apocalypse was sure to come because Ted Cruz and John Kasich dropped out of the Republican presidential primary. Well, here’s the thing: We may have cried wolf a little bit.


Florida Alligator
OPINION  |  EDITORIALS

Darts & Laurels: June 16

How do we have a Darts & Laurels today, while we still grieve over those we lost in Orlando, while we painstakingly hold our breath for those still in recovery. The rest of the country can move on, but how do we? It happened right here at home. How did those in Newtown, Connecticut, or Charleston, South Carolina, move on when mass murder devastated their lives?


Sarah Schumaker, 23, leads a group of mourning Orlando residents and visitors in lighting candles at the vigil held at Lake Eola Park on Sunday.
OPINION  |  EDITORIALS

Editorial: How long will this go on?

Twenty first-graders attending school in Newtown, Connecticut. Then, it was a family and pedestrians in Santa Monica, California. Twelve more at a Washington, District of Columbia, naval yard. Three at Fort Hood, Texas. A long-planned mass-murder at Isla Vista, California.


Florida Alligator
OPINION  |  EDITORIALS

Darts & Laurels: June 9, 2016

Dear readers, we’re nearing the end. Five weeks into Summer A. It’s already almost over: crazy, right? It’s time to hit the books and try to pull some miracles in these classes so that we can all go back to enjoying what summer is truly about… never-ending rain?


OPINION  |  EDITORIALS

Satire: Save money, live better... Build drones?

Well, dear readers, this is it. We’re calling it. The end is nigh — and not the cool kind of Nye we all know and love from probably the only thing we liked in elementary school more than recess: “Bill! Bill! Bill!” (If this reference went over your head, you need some more science and bowties in your life!) But for real, the coming months are basically life-or-death… or move to Canada.


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