Fall is finally here, and we are being greeted with some of the old traditions that we've come to hold so close to our hearts.
Congratulations, you made it. You have matriculated to one of the most prestigious public universities in the entire United States. You are now an official member of The Gator Nation. Allow us to offer you a hearty Orange and Blue welcome. We would also like to give you some unsolicited and hopefully useful advice about what to expect and how to take full advantage of the fantastic voyage upon which you are about to embark.
You could best describe the current mood at the Department of Darts and Laurels as ambivalent. Summer classes have finally come to an end, and we're stuck somewhere in between nostalgia and euphoria.
Last week, the 11th U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals issued an injunction compelling UF administrators to officially recognize an organization that openly discriminates against people based on their religion or irreligion, as the case may be, as well as on the basis of gender.
The final countdown has begun. One week until summer break. The beginning of the end of summer classes means that tailgating and tackle football are on the horizon. And while we at the Department of Darts and Laurels can't wait to see Tebow and Co. run all over the "competition," we're determined to conclude the summer with the patented satirical smack-downs that you've come to expect from these pages. As summer classes wind down to a close, we hope you've enjoyed the summer edition of what has become something of an institution (no, we're not presumptuous at all) in The Gator Nation. We thank you for humoring us as we've offered scathing indignation and effusive gratitude, not usually in equal portions, in reaction to the news of the week. So without further ado, we offer the second-to-last summer installment of …
As a result of the worst budget crisis in state history, Florida's colleges and universities have been forced to leave vacant positions unfilled, eliminate or incapacitate various degree programs and hand out pink slips to faculty members in order to cope with the state Legislature's refusal to fully fund higher education.
We're not exactly sure what it is about Gainesville that predisposes The Gator Nation to excellence. Maybe it's something in the water (or in this case, the amber-colored beverages routinely found in plastic cups). At any rate, UF is once again the reigning national champion - this time we're No. 1 in partying.
When it hasn't been raining, it's been hot as Hades in the center of The Gator Nation this week. As the dog days of summer sprint onward at break-neck speed, we at the Department of Darts and Laurels would like to advise our loyal readers to stay hydrated and keep cool. Heat stroke shouldn't be taken lightly and neither should this week's blazing edition of …
Last week, in what appears to be a momentous and welcome shift, the Bush administration announced that it would be working with the Iraqi government to develop a "general time horizon" for the redeployment of U.S. forces from Iraq. According to White House Press Secretary Dana Perino, President Bush and Iraqi Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki have reached a verbal accord on the issue of setting what might otherwise be called a timetable for the withdrawal of U.S. soldiers from Iraq. But don't make the mistake of confusing the terms "timetable" and "general time horizon."
"Oh, we're halfway there…" Three weeks, ladies and gentlemen. That's all that's left of summer B. Soon some of us will be graduating and making our way out into the real world. Or, failing that, crashing on our parents' couches for the foreseeable future. Unfortunately, considering the current state of the economy, the latter is looking increasingly likely. More on that later.
As violence in Iraq has decreased significantly over the past several months, President Bush and Sen. John McCain have been quick to attribute the sharp decline in U.S. military and Iraqi civilian casualties to their troop-surge strategy and claim that victory in the desert quagmire is now within reach.
As the economy worsens and the war in Iraq drags on, it's no wonder that almost 80 percent of Americans believe we're heading down the "wrong track."
Fire up the grill, and light up the sparklers and fireworks. It's time to celebrate America's birthday! Independence Day provides Americans young and old, of all races and religions, backgrounds and regions, the opportunity to do what we excel at: enjoying copious amounts of red meat and alcoholic beverages and, of course, blowing stuff up. But before you get started on those burgers, brews and combustibles, we at the Department of Darts and Laurels offer you this week's red, white and blue edition of …
It is nearly impossible to find a silver lining in $4-a-gallon gasoline. But if one is to be found, it is in the fact that skyrocketing prices at the pump â€" and the resulting anger and discontent felt by Americans from sea to shining sea â€" are forcing our politicians to finally have a much needed debate on what should be done to solve the nation's dependency on foreign oil.
Summer break is within sight, and it comes not a moment too soon. We at the Department of Darts and Laurels have been waiting with baited breath for the chance to recharge our collective batteries with a week of rest and relaxation. However you choose to spend your downtime next week, we hope you will play it safe. With that said, it's time for the last-of-summer-A edition of …
Last week marked the dawn of a new era for Florida's higher education system. Whether it represents a breakthrough or another example of political expedience, grandstanding and shortsightedness remains an open question.
This week, the Sunshine State hasn't exactly been living up to its moniker. Gainesville's newfound preoccupation with precipitation has left us at the Department of Darts and Laurels running for cover. Don't get us wrong, we're all about "Singin' in the Rain" when the opportunity presents itself, but the ominous dark clouds and violent thunder storms of these past couple of days have left us singing "Gimme Shelter" instead. We hope you've been able to keep dry these last few days, but if not, don't fret, 'cause there's always "Sunshine After the Rain." But just in case this somber weather has got you down, we have a brand new, waterproof edition of Darts and Laurels for your enjoyment. Now "Who Do You Love?"
The true measure of any college's or university's success is found in the quality and dedication of its faculty members. While a prescient administration and an intellectually eager and engaged student body are also essential elements of a successful institution of higher learning, without committed professors who challenge us academically and inculcate a life-long love of learning, the university system fails.
Hurricane season is now upon us. June 1 marked the beginning of what experts predict will be an active storm season, with an estimated 15 named hurricanes on the horizon and at least one major storm in store for the Eastern United States. We at the Department of Darts and Laurels take hurricane season and hurricanes seriously, and we advise you to do the same. We strongly recommend that you stock up on those hurricane-survival essentials. You know, flashlights, bottled water, canned goods, transistor radios and, of course, drink mixers 'cause what's a hurricane (the storm) without a hurricane (the drink)?
Solutions by The State News
