All sorts of things pop into one’s mind when the words “BDSM,” “slave,” “master,” “masochist” and “sadist” are thrown around. Throughout the last 20 years or so, perceptions of BDSM have changed in mainstream consciousness, arguably for the better.
However, as with most mainstream perceptions, the public’s view of BDSM is distilled down to stereotypes and the simplest icons to make consumption a quick affair. This has allowed BDSM out of the closet and allowed it to be considered among normal sexual activities, no longer just the dark and deviant.
The problem with mainstreaming BDSM is it not only leaves out much of the intricacies of its power-play relationships but, in many cases, it tries to mold it into normative sexuality. I am holding out hope that this too shall pass, and BDSM will be considered on its own merit without having to wrap it back up in something the vanillas can feel good about.
Think about it: Rihanna’s song “S&M,” “50 Shades of Grey,” “9 ½ Weeks,” “Secretary,” “Exit to Eden,” countless references in primetime shows such as “Law and Order,” “CSI,” “Family Guy,” etc. all make mention of BDSM practices.
Go ahead and laugh — I do, a lot. But when you are done, take another look at what those high-exposure, spotlight-bright-as-the-sun media darlings say about the BDSM culture and the people within it.
When was the last time you smirked while watching a popular show because a wit of kink was introduced — a month ago, last week or even last night? Do you fit into any of those references? For the most part, I don’t. But I still enjoy them, and, by all means, you should, too.
Of course, I also urge you to consider researching alternative lifestyles. It may sound simple to just say stereotypes don’t cover such a complex portion of human sexuality, and many may be wrong. On an intellectual level, most of us know this, but we are still victims of allowing stereotypes to invade our minds.
When we are asked what a dominatrix is, don’t most of us think of the leather-clad, spike heel-wearing, whip-cracking, stern Queen Bitch who commands with a snarl you lick her boots?
Really? Although that is one persona in the BDSM world, it is certainly not mine. How about the perceptions of a Master or Dom?
The most common image is of a powerful male sexually and physically exerting complete control over the will and body of a submissive female.
For the most part, this rings true. But it leaves out the how and why of it.
Also, many people believe the dominance is founded on violence, power and sexual inequalities, and the female is subjugated as no more than a vessel of pleasure for the dominant man. In most BDSM relationships, mine included, this is a far cry from the truth and, most important, what does this say about the woman? What about the man?
There are many misperceptions concerning BDSM and relationships. I cannot speak to all of them, but I can shine some light on the ones I am most intimately acquainted with.
To start, yes, you can have a healthy, loving relationship while causing and receiving pain. Yes, you can submit your body and will to another and not only enjoy it but remain your own person as well.
Just because pain gives you pleasure, does not mean you like all pain — stubbing your toe still hurts.
Not all Dom men want to abuse women. Not all female Dommes are scornful bitches. Not all submissive women are weak, meek and easy to abuse. Not all submissive men are gay. You don’t have to choose one role at all. You can like to give and receive pain with both sexes, like I do.
If this sounds trite, well, then good, because it’s meant to.
Most people who live this lifestyle consider this arbitrary, but you know what? We remind everyone about it because we know better than most people what public misconceptions can do.
Sadism and masochism are listed as mental diseases, and although it’s not common practice to lock us up anymore, the fact that it is still listed is enough to cause worry.
So really, love it up, spank each other, tie each other up, invite more than just two at a time to play — as long as it is all about loving and, most important, it’s consensual.
Just look around; I know plenty of places to get your freak on — many in our friendly local community.
Open your eyes, open your mind and prepare to not be surprised at all but to discover another side to yourself and your community you already knew was there.
If nothing else, you will have more to smirk about the next time you catch a BDSM reference on a mainstream show.
Morgan Donahe is an anthropology junior at UF.
