It became a crime to sell pipes and bongs in the state of Florida on Thursday unless the store selling them gets at least 75 percent of its revenue from tobacco sales. According to the state, these devices are not being used to smoke tobacco, but illegal drugs, so they have every right to criminalize them.
Hey, why not? We think the state should have done this a long time ago. For too long retailers been getting away with selling products that people can do whatever they want with, and it needs to stop. For now, pipes and bongs are a great start, but we would like to see Florida lawmakers ramp up their efforts — big time.
There are literally thousands of products that big, bad local businesses have been getting away with selling that are ruining our state. People sometimes smoke illegal drugs out of paper as if it was a cigarette, or apples as if they were pipes. We have even heard tales of some really twisted people desecrating aluminum soda cans to get high if they are desperate enough for their fix. Forget raiding head shops for their contraband—we need to call the state militia on Publix for recklessly selling two-liter bottles to kids who are just going to pour out the sugar water and craft it into a bong.
It would take way too much time and money to investigate all these crimes on a case-by-case basis, so it just makes more sense to nip it all in the bud by making any product that can be used in a less-than-desirable way illegal to sell. We are not paying police, sheriff’s deputies, state troopers and countless federal law enforcement officers to establish probable cause, collect evidence and build an airtight case against drug users and sellers. We pay them to give us traffic tickets, arrest drunk people and respond to noise complaints. “Investigations” would overload them.
We want to make sure we do our part. So in order to better facilitate a drug-free Florida, we encourage everyone to call their state representative and demand he or she vote to ban the following commercially available products: felt-tip markers, lighters, all forms of adhesives except for Elmer’s Glue, sugar cubes, spray paint (especially metallic colors), fruit, brownie mix, tea, hookahs, straws, mirrors, razor blades, any plastic bag smaller than sandwich-size, gas masks and of course spoons.
Drug users usually do not have a lick of ingenuity, so after we are successful in getting each of these products banned they will more than likely give up trying to get high in the Sunshine State and move to somewhere else. Probably some backward state that believes prosecuting drug crimes is a waste of government funds. If only those subversive corners of our more-perfect union would wake up and see how Florida has transformed thousands of yearly drug-related arrests into a veritable boon to our economy. If we could just cut spending on those pesky prevention and rehabilitation programs, Florida would be rolling in money, Scrooge McDuck style.
What about how all these new laws will affect retailers, many of whom are already struggling from reduced tourism and a poor economy? Hopefully they will be forced to close their doors as punishment for their heinous crimes against society. And to think, this could have all been avoided if they would have taken a little more responsibility for our actions instead of trying to make a quick buck.
