If you see eye-to-eye with me on this year’s Super Bowl matchup, you’re most likely feeling dejected and dispirited.
How could you not?
The game is going to result in either the New England Patriots or the Philadelphia Eagles being crowned the world champions of professional football, a notion that makes me want to gag.
The Patriots — who are on the verge of their third Super Bowl victory in four years — are statistically the most disliked team in the NFL, according to a 2017 poll conducted by Public Policy Polling, after years and years of flagrant rule breaking and unprecedented dominance.
On the other hand, the Eagles — who have never won a Super Bowl — possess one of the most heinous and barbaric fan bases in all of professional sports, a group that once cheered in the stands moments after former Cowboys receiver Michael Irvin suffered a career-ending spinal cord injury.
I’d rather bathe in my own waste than have to watch one of these franchises hold up the Lombardi Trophy on Sunday.
But alas, it’s still the Super Bowl, and it’s still football, the most exciting and popular sport in America.
So how can we, as a society, make watching these two detestable teams a little more tolerable? The answer, of course, is lots and lots of alcohol.
When in doubt, get drunk ladies and gents. And I know the perfect way to do so: a Super Bowl LII drinking game, courtesy of yours truly.
Take a sip from your drink every time that:
The Patriots or Eagles record a first down (additional sip if play goes for 25 yards or more)
Tom Brady or Nick Foles complete five consecutive passes
A Patriots or Eagles defender records a sack
A Patriots or Eagles defender forces a turnover (three sips)
Al Michaels and Cris Collinsworth mention Patriots quarterback Tom Brady’s age or number of Super Bowl rings
Al Michaels and Cris Collinsworth mention the Patriots 25-point comeback over Atlanta in last year’s Super Bowl
Al Michaels and Cris Collinsworth mention that Patriots coordinators Josh McDaniels and Matt Patricia are reportedly set to become head coaches next season
Al Michaels and Cris Collinsworth mention that the Patriots and Eagles met in Super Bowl XXXIX
The broadcast shows injured Eagles quarterback Carson Wentz standing on the sidelines
The broadcast shows Eagles fans wearing dog masks in the stands
Players on the winning team try to kiss the Lombardi Trophy
Finish your drink every time that:
A referee shakes Tom Brady’s hand
Al Michaels or Cris Collinsworth struggle to pronounce the name of Philadelphia left tackle Halapoulivaati Vaitai
Al Michaels or Cris Collinsworth successfully pronounce the name of Philadelphia left tackle Halapoulivaati Vaitai
Patriots coach Bill Belichick shows any sign of emotion (not likely)
Waterfall your drink for every second that:
The Patriots or Eagles perform a touchdown celebration
NFL commissioner Roger Goodell and Patriots owner Robert Kraft interact with each other after the game
Remember to be responsible and use safe forms of transportation if you drink outside of the confines of your own home, and let’s pray that Halapoulivaati Vaitai has a very quiet, insignificant Super Bowl performance.