Sriracha, cheesy garlic bread, and chicken and waffles — they have more in common than being staples of a freshmen dorm diet.

Last week, Lay’s released the three new flavor finalists after 3.8 million people submitted their suggestions for the “Do Us a Favor” crowdsourcing campaign.

I am a foodie. My palate is refined, and I refuse to taint my taste buds with these disgusting flavors. But having tried the non-potato-chip versions of these culinary creations, I am qualified to rip them apart.

Sriracha, a popular Thai hot sauce with a cultlike following, is the most promising option of the three.

Sure, it’s great on french fries or breakfast sandwiches, but is it really necessary to put it on ice cream or peanut butter sandwiches? Yes, people really do that. (A Sriracha cookbook even exists — you can’t make this stuff up.)

Who knows, maybe Sriracha and potato chips will be a perfect match, but the combination could also be a blasphemous offense if the flavor doesn’t do the sauce justice.

Of course, you could always cover them in more Sriracha.

Out of 3.8 million suggestions, I feel there must have been something more interesting than cheesy garlic bread flavor. I’m betting the “bread” part of the equation will be nonexistent as the base is a potato, but the garlic and cheese might complement each other nicely.

However, what kind of cheese are we talking here? There’s a clear difference between undertones of sharp cheddar and Cheeto dust. To be determined.

I’d really like to meet the person who submitted “Chicken and Waffles” as a flavor. Even more, I’d like to meet the Lay’s employee who thought, “Yes. This will be a good idea.”

Proteins are not meant to be turned into potato chips. Just imagine the unmentionable things they are doing to obtain “chicken taste.”

The bag features a drumstick with a pair of Belgian waffles, but in a taste test, The Huffington Post describes the flavor as like “cheap maple syrup.”

So, salty potato maple syrup, eh? I think I’ll keep the Aunt Jemima strictly for my pancakes.

If you’re a potato chip lover, don’t miss this tasty opportunity to vote for your favorite via the Lay’s Facebook page, by texting VOTE to 24477 or by using the Twitter hashtags #SaveSriracha, #SaveChickenWafffles or #SaveGarlicBread by May 4. The winner will receive $1 million or 1 percent of 2013 sales, whichever is higher, and the runners-up will receive $50,000 each.

Overall, I think Sriracha has the most to lose, but if Chicken and Waffles somehow pulls it out, you’ll have to hand me a bag of them immediately — so I can throw up in it.

(1) comment


This is one of the laziest excuses for a food column I have ever seen.

"Hey, let's publish a review of some potato chips, based on what our critic imagines they might taste like!"

Eat some of the damn things or find another topic.

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