Tinder

Popular hookup app Tinder matches users in close vicinty who find each other attractive and allows them to chat.

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Some things get better with age: wine, Mustangs, George Clooney. But when it comes to the art of picking up women, some men just never get the hang of it.

I signed up for Tinder, the superficial hot-or-not app that lets you start a conversation upon mutually finding each other attractive. Swipe left: Nope, play again. Swipe right: Let’s bone.

I left my tagline ambiguous: “Cats, writing and general shenanigans,” and I purposely swiped right to every guy Tinder threw my way.

Old guys, young guys, married guys. And in three days, I had 905 matches.

Excluding the hundreds of “hey :)” openers, here are the best, the worst and the flat-out I-need-a-restraining-order pickup lines by age range. But to be fair, no one turns to a hookup app for love, so cut these fellas some slack.

The wouldn’t-mind-a-hookup 20-somethings

“U know every guy that swipes yes/no w u is deciding whether or not he’d f**k u right?”

No response.

“U seem really boring. I’m gonna block u now.”

Age: 23

“Wow you’re f**king beautiful. Your human friend is cute too I guess.”

Referring to my cat.

Age: 23
“Do u believe in love at first sight or do u need to look at my pic again lol how u doin beautiful” Age: 24
“Hey there! You are way to classy to be from florida haha Am i right?” Age: 21

“You looking for a thrill or something”

No response.

“Txt me and ill show you what you want?”

Age: 23
“Yu sexy nim glasses ma” Age: 21

“Hi how u doing i got to say u very cute with your glass”

No response.

“And can I take u on a date”

Age: 21
“Come to marriott by best bet I will cuddle u like a supreme champion” Age: 24
“Hey beautiful what are you doing for the jaguars game. They are on a winning streak and my claws are out” Age: 29
The I-want-to-be-21-again 30-somethings

“I always like a woman that can do her thing in boots.”

“But you can leave the six shooter behind.”

“I’m good for plenty of shots ;)”

“Do you want to see what I’m packing?”

Later…

“Oh also I’m into water sports. Have you ever pis**d on a guy, or been pis**d on yourself?”

Age: 33

“You are beautiful! Is Alexa short for anything?”

Response: “No.”

Age: 30
“I don’t know what’s better, the adorable picture of your cat or your smile….just kidding. It’s your smile. ;-) So what do you hope to get out of tinder?” Age: 32
“Cupid says we’d make cute children, and I tend to agree! :)” Age: 37
The young-chicks-like-older-guys, am-I-right? 40-somethings
“Hey. Where do you live?” Age: 45

“How’s it going? I found your Shenanigans comment pretty amusing.”

No response.

“You mentioned that you like to write. That is fascinating. What do you enjoy writing about?”

Age: 42
“hiya ms smiley” Age: 42

“heyy”

Tagline: Yes, that’s my wife in those pics but it’s okay, she thinks you’re cute too.

Age: 41
“Please tell me your a webcam” Age: 45

“Hi Alexa. :)”

Tagline: No offense...but my wife is rude hag. I just want to have some fun. NSA.

Age: 45

A version of this story ran on page 7 on 11/21/2013 under the headline "SWF in Gainesville seeks anyone — anyone — on Tinder"