What I am about to say has never been said before. I do not believe that anyone, in the history of UF, has expressed the following words, for fear of being a social outcast forever and possibly banished from The Gator Nation altogether.
Ready? Here it is: I don't understand football.
That's right. To me, watching a football game is comparable to staring at a really modern piece of art. I just don't get it.
Everyone at UF seems to have been born with an extra section of the brain dedicated to knowing every possible fact about Gators football. At any given time around campus, professors and students chat about the threats we will face when we play opposing teams. As Saturday nears, thousands of fervent fans brush their orange-and-blue wigs and buy fresh cans of body paint.
People know everything from the stats to the favorite movies of every player. I have this theory that Gators fans are more obsessed with college football than any other university in the world. To further prove this point, Gator Boosters are paying upward of ,1 million to have dinner with Urban Meyer. I'm going to go out on a limb and guess they already know what his favorite food is.
It's not that I don't care about football. It's just that I fail to understand the rules. I regularly read the sports section in hopes of picking up a few facts, but it's no use.
If you are like me - one of the sad few who thinks a scrimmage is a type of seafood - don't give up hope. All we have to do is pretend to be as passionate as everyone else.
For the small number of in-the-closet football fakes, I've comprised a list of two very important points to remember when pretending to be a football know-it-all:
No. 1. Cheer when other people cheer, and
No. 2. Never ask questions.
The first rule is easy enough to follow. All you have to do is yell, "Go Gators!" at steady intervals throughout the game. Make sure you only cheer when the Gators are dominating the field. However, if you happen to make the mistake of cheering when the other team scores, don't fret. Simply rebut with, "Oh, so I can't boost morale? Where is your team spirit? They may have just intercepted the ball and scored a major touchdown, but they are still GATOR BAIT!"
It's always a good strategy to make the other person seem like the disloyal fan.
If you are in the zone and feeling particularly adventurous, try blurting out football lingo at random. For example, whenever the ball touches the ground, yell, "Fumble!" This is a very clever move, as it will appear as though you actually understand the terminology.
And, finally, the most important thing to remember as a clueless viewer is that you are never, under any circumstances, allowed to ask questions. I once broke this rule and asked, "What does 'fourth down' mean? Is that bad?" Needless to say, my answer came in the form of an open mouth and a look that said, "You have got to be kidding me."
So, during Saturday's game against…whomever we're playing, remember to show your support for the Gators - even if you don't know what's going on.
Colleen Shea is a sophomore majoring in journalism. Her column appears on Fridays.
