Being a columnist, I feel it is my duty to provide you - the handful of people other than my parents who actually read this - with the most important news stories of the day. Hold on to your seats because today's topic is: Deadly Air Fresheners.
That's right. A recent study by the Natural Resources Defense Council found that certain air fresheners contain a chemical called phthalates (pronounced "pthh"). This chemical has the potential, if used enough, to lead to abnormalities in the development of infants, fertility problems, and, you guessed it - cancer.
You might be thinking, "What's so important about this new scientific study?" This information is extremely vital to college students because we now have choice to make that affects our very existence.
We can choose to either: die from that chemical that starts with a "P" or die from the stench of weeks-old Pita Pit leftovers, beer-soaked carpets and extremely dirty laundry.
I thought I knew all about dingy smells because I have a younger brother who appears to have been born without a gene for cleanliness. My parents have all but given up nagging at him to clean because they know after he has picked up every last flake of cereal from his carpet, it'll be covered with more mysterious morsels of unidentified food the next day.
He'll be pleased to know his room, in comparison to the dorm rooms of an average college student, would be classified as moderately clean. Because in college - no matter how sanitary you used to be - your room will stink.
Between all of the pizza boxes we keep forgetting to throw away and the old socks we know are there but require heavy-duty scientific equipment to actually find, we really need a can of air freshener. This brings the dilemma: Should we keep using it even though it might cause cancer, or should we learn to live with sour smells?
Studies like the one mentioned above often leave us with no solutions to the proposed problem. I'll bet the councils that release studies like the one about air fresheners are run by a bunch of cavemen wearing lab coats, pretending to be scientists.
"What can we make up this week to keep the public from enjoying life?" they excitedly ask one another. After several minutes of eating raw meat and banging sticks, the cavemen will decide that they will put out a new study that will cause us to fear for our very lives.
A recent story about a possible link between cancer and alcohol from The Associated Press is a prime example of this scientific trickery. The title of the article, "All types of alcohol raise cancer risk," is enough to make any normal person want to cry.
In the report, American researchers argue that it doesn't matter what type of alcohol is consumed - all kinds raise the risk of breast cancer in women. This is confusing because some studies suggest drinking red wine may prevent heart disease. I think I'll take my chances with cancer.
So we shouldn't worry about Deadly Air Fresheners because there will probably be a study released tomorrow about how air fresheners are actually extremely healthy.
In the meantime, though, I think it would be a good idea to throw out those old pizza boxes and empty beer bottles. I need to make room for some more.
Colleen Shea is a sophomore majoring in journalism. Her column appears on Fridays.
