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Sunday, June 23, 2024

When it comes to celebrating in Auburn, Ala., confetti is for amateurs and champagne is for pansies.

Bring on the toilet paper.

For every Auburn victory, hordes of people gather at College Street and Magnolia Avenue armed with Charmin or Angel Soft and proceed to paint the town white, sometimes using thousands of rolls of toilet paper.

With all that wasted toilet paper, we at the alligatorSports Brand Picks Column are a little concerned about the hygiene and wasteful habits of Auburn?s students.

So we called Donny Addison, Auburn recycling and waste reduction coordinator, for some perspective on the town?s bathroom etiquette.

BI guess we wipe our butts with University of Florida pennants,C Addison said. BObviously we live in a state that has a lot of paper mills and paper companies. I guess we?re flaunting our thing. It?s like: 'Check it out! We?re loaded with toilet paper.?C

In the past, the tradition was solely for home football victories.

Now, it seems every time the Tigers pull out a win, even if it?s in Alaska for a swim meet, you can expect a blizzard of white squares to blanket the town.

The tradition has grown so much that Toomer?s Drug Store, which is the epicenter of this ragin? good time, has started stocking - in Addison?s words - "the crappiest, single-ply, sandpaper toilet paper" for any last-minute TP needs.

As if the actual tradition isn?t zany enough, Addison, a 2005 Auburn alumnus, has witnessed some peculiar things in his eight years as a local.

Addison said some people choose to create Bbig Marge Simpson hairC or wrap themselves up like mummies during the chaos.

While the fans seem to have a rousing time playing dress up, a smarter individual would realize that in just one night, he or she could gather a lifetime supply of TP.

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BJust one person, all that toilet paper - I don?t know. They could probably give some to their grandkids,C Addison said.

It costs ,7,000 for every cleanup, and when the crew can?t pick the toilet paper from those hard-to-reach places, they rely on a high-pressure water hose to blast the stuff out of the trees.

BIt?s basically like huge spit wads,C Addison said.

While no one can pinpoint the exact origin of this kind of debauchery, it seems Tigers fans don?t really care. Any excuse to get loco with bathroom tissue throws them into a swirl.

BWe love our traditions,C Addison said. BWhat are we doing, this is probably the stupidest tradition. It definitely didn?t come from a pagan ritual because pagans like trees and stuff.C

Addison admitted the ritual is a bit junior high-ish, but Auburnites haven?t completely caved in to their juvenile tendencies.

BWe don?t throw eggs in the tree, yetC Addison said. BThat might be the next step. I might try to start that.C

With that note, on to the picks!At 29-11, and in first place is Bryan BMore whipped than butterC Jones, who calls his girlfriend to ask if it?s okay to go to the bathroom, even in the middle of the night. At least he?s still breathing without getting permission. For now.

In second at 28-12, is Brian BI quit my second job to spend more time thinking of insults for myselfC Steele, who e-mails other Alligator writers suggestions for his weekly insult in this column. Most of the time they revolve around his BAmerican IdolC fetish, but that joke got old three weeks ago.

Coming up third with a record of 25-15 is Mike BLicensed to Party B McCall, who hasn't realized that he missed out on the trucker hat fad by about five years.

Batting cleanup at 23-17 is Nick BI make nice with lonely male hotel managers at 2 a.m.C Zaccardi, who knows how to use his sexy voice to gain extra pillow mints. Too bad for him, the voice isn?t sexy enough to get him any actual pillows.

In dead-ass last place with a piss-poor record of 22-18 is Jenna BHey! I?m only one game behind NickC Marina, who fails to realize she?s four games worse than the collective records of the four guest pickers this year. And one of them picked Notre Dame to beat Georgia Tech in week one.

Bama-FSU Bama Bama Bama FSU Bama Bama
AF-Navy AF Navy Navy AF Navy AF
Cal-Ore Ore Cal Cal Cal Cal Ore
MD-Rut Rut Rut Rut Rut Rut Rut
ND-Pur Pur Pur ND ND Pur ND
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