Originally, I had an entirely different column written and submitted to my editor. It was about trusting your gut when it comes to the dating realm.
Truth is, I was denying mine.
Over the last few weeks, I have been casually seeing a new guy. Actually, that might be an overstatement. When he texts, I roll my eyes. Calls me, I cringe. Tries to kiss me, I back away.
I've said it before, but I'll say it again: I am completely terrified of letting go of my "single" status.
What's weird is that I always know what guidance to give my friends regarding dating or how to maneuver any sexual situation. I'm the go-to gal when answers are needed about your relationship. So why can I never heed my own advice?
I have completely engineered the entire situation with my new man. When I am out and drunk and want some attention, I call him. When I need a large object in my house moved, he's the one to do it. When I'm feeling bad about myself, he's there.
Yes, I'm a horrible bitch. You can send me hate letters.
Yet through it all, my new guy is incredibly nice. He epitomizes the "good guy" we all search for. He is responsive, communicates constantly and beloved by my friends. I have no doubt that he would be here for me.
Having to rely on someone else and give up my thrill-seeking, happy-go-lucky ways is still petrifying to me. But perhaps growing up means not being so inherently selfish? Maybe when I wrote about trusting your instincts over the opinions of everyone else, I failed to realize that I was being hypocritical.
Believing in what you have with another person is the only remedy. No one knows what happens in those private hours at night, and no one has to.
My friend cornered me the other day. She likes a guy who she never imagined she would. He's completely different from her, and she's completely smitten. Afraid to admit her admiration to others, she asked me what to do.
"It's so simple," I sagely suggested. "YOU like him - what more do you need?"
I will acknowledge, like most things, it's much easier said than done.
For some of us, myself included, the baggage of past relationships makes it difficult to trust. For others, it takes strength to accept that someone wants to care for you. Still others are overly concerned about what their peers think.
My initial column was correct in many regards. Trusting your instincts is arguably one of the most difficult aspects of dating. It's also the most necessary.
There is never a connect-the-dots formula to finding happiness, but what's beautiful about the process is that sometimes unexpected things happen.
Sometimes columns need to be rewritten.