Stephen Colbert is a presidential candidate (And so can you!).
Come to think of it, so could I.
Well, why not? I may not be tall enough, but I compensate with a rather presidential head of hair. I may not go to an Ivy League school, but my best friend does. I may not have written a book, but I have read one.
The only hurdle I can see is my lack of a television show - that, and the whole not-being-35-years-old thing. I guess 2024 isn't too far off. In the meantime, I'll leave it to the professional: Stephen T. Colbert.
On his own Comedy Central show, "The Colbert Report," on Tuesday night, Colbert announced he is running for president (of the United States) … but only in South Carolina, where he grew up.
Oh, and he somehow plans to run in both the Democratic and Republican primaries in January.
If elected, Colbert would undoubtedly be the greatest president of all time, just as I've always said George Washington would have made a terrific late-night TV host. But, alas, we may never see the day.
"I don't want to be president. I want to run for president. There's a difference," Colbert said Sunday morning during an interview on NBC's "Meet the Press."
So much for that. Thanks for ruining my hope for America, sir. But wait, what about being the greatest candidate ever? It's the journey, not the destination, right?
In that respect, Colbert actually has a shot. For one thing, his writers on "The Colbert Report" are top-notch, even if they have yet to win an Emmy Award.
Their new plan should be to win the White House first, then get the Emmy - like Al Gore.
The only threat I see to Colbert's campaign is the looming strike of the Writers Guild of America, which may come at the beginning of next month. The last strike was in 1988 and lasted 22 weeks, leaving late-night hosts, such as David Letterman, to just wing it without a staff of writers.
If there is a strike, maybe Colbert could read aloud from his new book, "I Am America (And So Can You!)." Too bad he doesn't like to read books.
Regardless of this concern, however, Colbert is a better actor than anyone else in the field. In other words, he does a better job at "faking it" than the other candidates.
Those skills don't come without practice. During his show and sometimes in public, Colbert adopts the persona of a right-wing pundit, highlighting the absurdity of talking heads on cable news.
Colbert won't be elected president, but his campaign will mock the act of running. And the other candidates had better pay attention.
Look how he announced his candidacy, for example. None of the other candidates have a TV show. That's just unbeatable. It made Fred Thompson's announcement on "The Tonight Show with Jay Leno" look like the public-access channel.
Colbert oozes faux patriotism much more convincingly than Rudy Giuliani or John McCain. Colbert can change his positions on issues faster than Mitt Romney can cancel an appointment for an abortion.
Colbert loves South Carolina more than John Edwards loves North Carolina, he looks more sincere than Barack Obama and he's more of a man than Hillary Clinton will ever be. And the only thing funnier than Colbert's candidacy is Dennis Kucinich.
Colbert's bid for the nation's highest office may just be an elaborate joke, but a campaign of that sort seems to be the state of things.
At least I can tell when Colbert is kidding.
Vincent Massaro is a senior majoring in journalism. His column appears on Mondays.
