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Thursday, March 30, 2023

No, there's not a Victoria's Secret show downtown tonight. It's Halloween, arguably college students' favorite holiday. Drink specials abound, costume contests bring out the best - or worst - in everyone, and of course, our favorite part: half-off candy tomorrow.

As we sat in our office decorated with real spiderwebs and severed body parts (much scarier, don't you think?), we thought about what we'd like to see everyone dressed as this year. So let us entertain you as you prepare for tonight's parties and put the finishing touches on your costume.

We thought long and hard about what UF President Bernie Machen would dress up as, but we finally decided he should spend tonight as a deranged dentist, because really, what's scarier than spending an hour in that chair?

Plus, that's what Bernie is tenured as, so it's perfect. We can already see him with a Halloween Horror Nights-worthy drill, covered in blood. He'd wear a necklace of his victims' - ahem, patients' teeth.

He'd floss our teeth until our gums bleed and instead of filling our cavities, he'd drill us new ones. Worst of all, that's not a shot of Novocain.

Student Body President Ryan Moseley should dress up as David Beckham, since his parents are British. Moseley and Beckham have the same pretty-Brit-boy look. Student Senate President Kevin Reilly would dress up as his lovely wife Posh Spice. Together they'd cause a sensation on the third floor of the Reitz Union - and a highly fashionable one, at that.

As Gainesville's mayor, Pegeen Hanrahan deserves to spend the day dressed as a queen. In her beautiful gown and lovely crown, she'd transform Gainesville into a magical realm with one wave of her wand. Towing problems: solved! Traffic lights: synchronized! The Oaks Mall: better stores! Ah, it's good to be queen.

Age of Dinosaurs professor Paul Ciesielski would dress up as a Tyrannosaurus Rex but end up looking more like a rock.

Andrew Meyer would dress up, of course, as a disenfranchised voter.

Gators quarterback Tim Tebow could dress up as a priest. We can only hope his vial of Holy Water and his cross can exorcise the demons that have been haunting the football team, before it faces Vanderbilt - a team that's given us close calls in the past few years.

Word on the street is that the towing companies all banded together to have a costume party - and all their employees are dressing up as pirates. Go figure.

Economics professor Mark Rush could dress up as a slice of pizza from Leo's, and the Director could go as a Burrito Bros. burrito. We just hope they don't accidentally eat each other.

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Billy Donovan and Urban Meyer would dress up as Mario and Luigi. Using their superpowers, they'd lead their cast of characters into Bowser's castle to rescue Princess Peach. Or they'd just take their teams into championship games and win. Yeah, we like that much better. But how awesome would it be to see them dressed up in those matching red and green outfits?

Whatever you decide to dress up as tonight, we hope you have a great Halloween.

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