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Thursday, March 30, 2023

We realized the crazy things people will do and sell for money this weekend after perusing UF's Facebook Marketplace listings.

In a matter of seconds, we found listings offering a "Grafic Artist," UF vs. FSU football tickets for more than ,100 a piece (not to mention tickets for games that have already been played), countless copies of the textbook used for calculus and inquiries for stud dogs.

So we wondered, what else could be for sale? After listing all of our desk chairs that have missing wheels and the key to our editor's office (shh, don't tell her), we tried to figure out what UF and Gainesville celebs might offer up on the Marketplace.

Everyone's favorite UF president, Bernie Machen, would have a lovely toupee up for sale. It's made from the finest hair available and matches his natural hair color perfectly, but he decided to sell it after too many people in Tigert Hall didn't recognize him in the wig. Plus, the Marketplace description said he didn't like that it wouldn't stay on his head when he rode his Harley.

Men's basketball coach Billy Donovan saw Urban Meyer's Marketplace listing for a ,1-million dinner and didn't want to be left out. But since he's won twice as many national championships, a night at the Donovan residence would go for a cool ,2 million.

But hey, that's not so bad when you consider the fact that you would get to eat out of a crystal half-basketball, use one of Joakim Noah's old jerseys as a napkin (both of which you'd get to keep) and prank call athletic director Jeremy Foley.

Just don't try to give Billy any coaching advice, or you'll get stuck washing all the dishes.

University Police Department could offer up the Taser used on UF student Andrew Meyer earlier this semester at a forum with Sen. John Kerry. We bet it would fetch a few hundred bucks. The money could go toward Taser-use education. Of course, UPD would need to completely disarm it so it could never Taser Meyer, or anyone else, again.

We wouldn't be surprised if Student Body President Ryan Moseley were selling his own brand of hair products, Slick Mo's. It's a complete line of conditioners, hair sprays, gels, mousses, pomades, waxes and, oh yeah, shampoo.

And if you buy three or more products, you get a handy styling guide to teach you how to replicate his signature style - the Spike. Proceeds from the sales would go toward Robert Agrusa's campaign for a seat on the Gainesville City Commission.

Sister Hazel, a local band turned nationally famous (and internationally - the band has a Wikipedia article in English, French and German, surprisingly), recently announced it would start its "12 Days of Christmas" tour in Gainesville.

While the members didn't list their tickets in the Facebook market, we wouldn't be surprised to see it list 12 drummers drumming, 11 singers singing, 10 guitarists strumming, nine Hazelnuts, eight EP tracks, seven Christmas covers, six studio albums, five harmonicas, four movie soundtracks, three Blues Traveler comparisons, two top-10 singles and a platinum-certified album.

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