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Thursday, April 18, 2024

Last week, the Alligator didn't publish on Monday, but I wrote a column anyway.

I discussed the memory of Martin Luther King Jr., combined with my picks for Tuesday's primaries, and then concluded with a note about the secret to true happiness.

I planned to show you these ponderings , but they feel like old news now. So instead of old news, I give you new news. And by new news, I guarantee you've never heard it before. That's mostly because it's fake.

The Journal of the American College of Cardiology has added chronic anxiety and stress to a list of psychological factors that increase the risk of heart attacks.

The journal also released new findings that would suggest the earth is round, the sky is blue and cancer is bad.

The health effects of being obvious are yet to be determined.

In New Mexico, a state representative wants to tax TV and video games to raise funds to fight childhood obesity and improve education.

"Give me a break," said HaloStalker69, an expert on video games and childhood obesity. "No, seriously, break me off a piece of that Kit Kat bar. I'm famished, as I haven't eaten today, save two bags of Oreos for breakfast."

In other news, a California woman was arrested Thursday after advertising on Craigslist for an assassin to kill the wife of a man with whom she'd had an affair.

The ad, which was apparently found under "adult gigs," would have been legal had it been posted in the correct section: "Hits, whacks and other shenanigans."

In state news, a treasure-hunting company is fighting in federal court to keep $500 million in coins found in an Atlantic Ocean shipwreck. The government of Spain believes the ship was Spanish and wants the treasure returned.

Maritime lawyer Tommy Pickles weighed in : "The precedent of 'finders keepers, losers weepers' is convincing, but I've found that a court is more likely to side with the 'nuh-ah, yeah-huh' argument in cases of treasure salvage."

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Lastly, in UF news, University Police is the first department in the nation to receive accreditation on international, state and university levels. To be fair, the international accreditation agency is located in a country that gives free Tasers to all its citizens.

Vincent Massaro is a journalism senior. His column appears on Mondays.

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