Fire up the grill, and light up the sparklers and fireworks. It's time to celebrate America's birthday! Independence Day provides Americans young and old, of all races and religions, backgrounds and regions, the opportunity to do what we excel at: enjoying copious amounts of red meat and alcoholic beverages and, of course, blowing stuff up. But before you get started on those burgers, brews and combustibles, we at the Department of Darts and Laurels offer you this week's red, white and blue edition of …
Darts & Laurels
First off, we launch a don't-you-know-only-the-U.S.-government-can-torture-people? DART to Pi Kappa Phi Fraternity for its low-class and appalling use of hazing practices on its pledges. The fraternity was suspended for four years for forcing pledges to do wall sits for extended periods of time and walking on their legs if they failed to hold the position. Pledges were also forced to consume large quantities of alcohol. We're all for knocking back a few brewskis, but no one should be forced to binge drink in order to join some airhead club of polo-attired thugs. The Greek community at UF engages in some truly laudable philanthropic activities. We appreciate their contributions to campus life and respect them as fellow students. But Pi Kappa Phi perpetuates the worst and most enduring Greek stereotypes. We urge the UF Greek community to forcefully repudiate Pi Kappa Phi and their ignoble actions. But don't worry, we won't be holding our breath. We can only hope this suspension will be enough to prevent vile behavior of this kind from rearing its ugly head in the future.
We realize that our regular readers will note our recent flip-flopping between subjecting our elected leaders to scorn and ridicule and giving them plaudits. But that's just how we roll: We call 'em like we see 'em. This week, we feel that the suits in Tallahassee deserve some props. As such, we've got a double-shot of approbation for people we usually love to dis.
First, we send an it's-about-time-someone-held-these-shysters-accountable LAUREL to Florida Attorney General Bill McCollum for doing his litigious duty in suing Countrywide Financial for engaging in predatory lending practices. McCollum claims in his suit that Countrywide violated the law by deceiving at least 100 hardworking Floridian families into agreeing to mortgages that they couldn't afford in order to produce large numbers of mortgage loans for resale on the secondary mortgage market. It's this sort of mortgage mischief that has played a large role in driving the nation's economy off the proverbial cliff. We thank our AG for sticking it to these swindlers and sticking up for Floridians.
Next, we present a we-like-to-see-you-promote-conservation-over-risky-exploration LAUREL to Gov. Charlie Crist for his landmark land deal with U.S. Sugar Corporation for Everglades restoration. The momentous $1.75 billion buyout proposal announced last week would allow U.S. Sugar to continue farming for six years after which Florida would take control of the 300-square-mile territory and turn it into a bulwark for the Everglades.
While we couldn't disagree more with Crist's newfound infatuation with offshore drilling, this push for Everglades restoration is (as far as we can tell) unprecedented and merits serious praise.
We're not sure if our customary disdain for Student Government is related to our love of lampooning our state and federal elected officials, but this week we are facing a similarly alarming trend of commending them for a job well done.
As unfamiliar as this position may be for us, we nonetheless offer a your-take-no-prisioners-(or gym fees)-negotiation-style-serves-the-student-body-well-and-no-we're-not-intending-to-be-"backhanded"-about-it LAUREL to Student Body President Kevin Reilly for his successful efforts to slash the odious RecSports usage fees for students not enrolled in summer classes.
Although students not enrolled in summer B classes will still have to pay a $20 fee to use campus gyms, that's still much better than the outrageous $50 fee first reported. On behalf of all the students that Mr. Reilly just saved $30, we offer a sincere thank you.
