We want our sex like we want everything else: right now. Society, unfortunately, has burdened us with niggling demands, known to some as public decency laws, that prevent us from dealing with our tingles and jingles in a time-efficient manner. But to avoid getting slapped with indecent exposure charges, you don't need to go home to have sex. Just don't get caught. Embrace the art of the covert quickie.
Push-the-panties-to-the-side romps are a cathartic, stimulating alternative to the tedious caresses and candlelight of more predictable rendezvous. Essentially, quickies are about don'ts: Don't waste time on foreplay, don't fully undress and don't give a damn whether the other person gets off. For seven minutes or less, you're hell-bent on getting yours.
But as the name implies, you can't always prepare for a quickie. You need a location, and fast.
For some ungodly reason, couples flock to bathrooms for quick and dirty sex. It's a disturbingly unsanitary idea, but I recognize its perks. If the light is on, people leave you alone to finish your business - whatever that business may be. The sink is sturdy and a good height for sitting on, gripping for balance or hoisting limbs. After screwing off 500 calories in five minutes, you're supplied with soap, water and paper towels so you can clean up and get on with your day.
Benefits aside, it's a bathroom. We all know what goes on there. I don't care if it has marble countertops and a diamond encrusted bidet that shoots out Venetian waters, it's a bathroom. It's crawling with fecal bacteria and other nasties. You're better than a bathroom. Similarly, any girl whose foot has slipped from her stiletto while dancing only to find it adhered to the grimy, tacky floor knows that clubs, contrary to Usher's belief, are not fit for lovemaking. So maybe you slip outside to get some action in the alley out back. No harm there, right? Right - until you're stabbed in the neck and mugged.
By this point, you're probably shaking your paper and yelling, "Then where should I go to indulge the demands of my libido, Miss Priss?" Glad you asked. May I suggest a few classics - cliché, but foolproof. Cars are always a safe bet. Be ballsy and stay in the parking lot. If you're lucky, the car will have a bench seat.
Many a porno have been filmed in abandoned offices and classrooms, but keep an ear open for functioning members of society who actually use the office to work. Or try out some classic love in an elevator. If you're feeling slightly more inventive, try the closet, laundry room or garage of any inhabited area.
Dressing rooms are becoming an increasingly difficult venue, but it's almost worth getting caught just to irk the annoying salesgirl who's "just seeing how that top worked out" every other second. The next time the mood strikes you, refer to these stealthy scenarios, or create some new ones. Just don't reserve quickies solely for situations when they're an absolute necessity. Sometimes you just need to get off and don't want the whole production, and other times you wouldn't mind the production but you have things to do. Any way you spin it, quickies awaken your sense of adventure. So stop planning, and start living. You have five minutes. Go!
