Don't you wish The Beatles could still make music?
They could be like the Stones - a geriatric revision of a once-great band, a caricature of the rock 'n' roll spirit, marred by years of commercial intrusion, a unrelenting cult of personality, a series of failed expectations and a string of lackluster albums.
Wouldn't that be awesome?
But seriously, the secret is to die young - just ask Elliott Smith, Kurt Cobain or Nick Drake. Oh, wait. You can't. Because they're dead, and the only artist who continually makes posthumous contact with his fans is Tupac (still waiting for the album in which he names his killer).
But what if they weren't dead? Or at least made it a few more years? Elliott could have made a video with Kenny Chesney, Kurt could have gone nu-metal, Nick could have done a mash-up with the Jonas Brothers. Of course, we'll never know. But at least these guys didn't give themselves the opportunity to massively disappoint or sicken us.
So what's the trade-off for artistic immortality? The Kurt Cobain complex is well-known. A young, tortured artist (usually fighting addiction or some other unwinnable war) commits suicide in the center of the world arena and fans cheer and cry and gesticulate like the audience of a modern-day Greek theater or Roman gladiatorial game. The result of their agony and catharsis is universal admiration, respect and artistic credibility for the fallen player.
For a sick and perverse reason, the tragedy of the artist imbues their words of sorrow and suffering with an amount of authenticity that can't be replicated by noticeably more content writers.
In another world, the world of television and comedy and laugh-a-minute sitcoms, Jerry Seinfeld was able to avoid fizzling out without actually ending his life by simply deciding to end his sitcom before it jumped shark.
In his honor, I propose an embargo on music creation after a certain age. It can be called the Jerry Seinfeld law, and it can ban musicians from creating more than five albums in order to avoid a debacle that would strip them of their previously earned credibility.
The artist would be able to overturn this mandate and make a sixth album, but they would have to sign a contract committing themselves to suicide after the recording process. That way, in case the album is a critical failure, the artist can still achieve mythical status through hubris.
Just think - we wouldn't have to groan at any more Rolling Stones albums and only one more post- "College Dropout" Kanye West album.
Seriously, where does one go after auto-tune?
Allie Conti is an English and journalism sophomore.
