At the other colleges Demetri Martin performs at, they have banners in their basketball arenas that read "Champions 1943."
At UF, it's a little different.
"I come here, and it's just a calendar of every year ever," Martin told the crowd of about 5,200 at the O'Connell Center Tuesday night as he pointed to the rafters.
Martin, who has contributed to "The Daily Show with Jon Stewart," currently has a show on Comedy Central called "Important Things with Demetri Martin."
Martin's friend Adam Lowitt, a producer, comedian and 2002 UF grad, opened the show.
Lowitt began his act by making fun of the midtown bar BALLS.
"I have traveled all over the country, and this is the only town I've ever been to with a bar named BALLS."
"You can type BALLS into Google Maps, and Gainesville pops up," he said. "Even the guys at Google are like, 'Fuck, Gainesville rules.'"
He also unfurled an enlarged copy of a menu for a Chinese restaurant he ate at one day. The first item listed was Bull Penis for $5.50. He unrolled the menu further, revealing a large drawing of a woman with a sprawling octopus on her groin.
"I'm not sure if I want the noodles or the bull penis," he said, "as long as it's not a woman being eaten out by an octopus."
Martin then took the stage and charmed the crowd with his deadpan one-liners, crude marker drawings and musical comedy.
He also had fun with the American Sign Language interpreter who was standing in front of the stage.
"How are you, sir that's doing the ASL?" he asked. The interpreter continued signing. "I guess I should've said, 'How am I,'" Martin joked. Later in the show, Martin noticed the man signing the words "fuck you" during one of his jokes and began repeating it. The interpreter, cracking a smile, signed the words each time while the crowd erupted in laughter.
Martin said he's been watching sports less and less lately and joked that he wished the mascots could play each other.
"I'd always rather see the actual animals fighting," he said. "Like Colts versus Bears. Wizards versus Heat - fucking awesome," he said.
"Magic versus Jazz… that's a little too gay for me," he said.
Martin also said he's a fan of coconut soap. "It's really cool, unless your hands are dirty from coconuts," he said.
"I can't tell how much progress I'm making in this situation," he said, pretending to wash his hands.
Transitioning into the marker drawings portion of the show, Martin flipped the page of his large sketch pad to reveal a picture of a crying baby with a funnel leading from its mouth to its ears.
"Oh wait, it's going to me," he pretended the baby would say. "Guess I better stop crying."
Martin also questioned the safety of strobe lights.
"Strobe lights cause seizures in some people, but we still have them," he said. "That's crazy."
"It's like, look, I know these things give you seizures and make you swallow your tongue, but these guidos need to party."
Moving over to the piano, Martin asked the production staff to give him a little mood lighting. They obliged, dimming the lights.
"I love to do virgin Jell-o shots," Martin said after the lights were dimmed. "I guess what I'm saying is, I like to eat Jell-o really fast."
"Thank god for cargo pants," he continued. "'Cause sometimes I got some cargo I really wanna carry around on my thighs."
Not wasting any time, Martin kept the one-liners flowing while playing the piano.
"Sleep tight, don't let the bed bugs bite," Martin said, "is a long way to say, 'wash your sheets, you fucking slob.'"
"My friend's superstitious."
"Me, I'm just stitious. I got a regular amount of stish," he said.
Accent Speaker's Bureau sponsored Martin's speech. He was paid $60,000 for the performance.
