In these heady times of global awareness and eco-knowledge, it seems the bad eco-news comes at you from every angle. Nobody is safe from the onslaught of negative press if even Google is under eco-scrutiny. A researcher this year claimed that a single Google search is worse for the environment than driving a car, mostly because of the way Google's "cloud computing" uses clusters of servers together at once to achieve superfast results for every single search.
Just think of all the extra angst this revelation brought to the skinny-jeans, hipster, vegan crowd. Just when they thought those years of riding tiny bikes and eating Tofurkey shrank their carbon footprint, all those Google searches for crappy bands and gluten-free recipes exploded their houses of smug.
However, the news isn't all bad on the environmental front. Car companies are scrambling to actually use the green technology they have been ignoring and burying for the last three decades. The most exciting eco-technology, though, is still in the developmental phase.
A car company in China is reportedly working on groundbreaking neurotechnology that can tap into potent human emotions to power an automobile. Using a specially-made steering wheel and sensors placed on the temporal lobes, Mirage Motors is taking the lead in a carbon-free driving experience.
Engineers for Mirage, working closely with the Chinese government, tailored a car for suburban American markets that runs entirely on white guilt. This car, already in postproduction, can reach speeds of 75 miles per hour solely by tapping into the deep reservoir of guilt white Americans feel for the way slavery and discrimination have shaped our country.
Since the election of President Barack Obama and the recent selection of a Latina to the Supreme Court, Mirage has decided that plans to roll the car out in America will be delayed until 2011 at the earliest. A smaller Mirage Chimera coupe running on colonial guilt will hit major European markets in the fall.
Mirage Motors, in the Maxx Hyperbole series, also developed a line of SUVs and heavy-duty work trucks powered by righteous anger. These vehicles, specially designed to only play talk radio at a high volume with no option to turn it off or lower the volume, have reached speeds of 95 miles per hour (on a closed track, with Hannitized drivers). GM, the newest toy of the American taxpayer, is understandably excited about this new technology.
Many environmentalists complain about ethanol, our heavily-subsidized and homegrown biofuel that gets no respect outside the American heartland. I bet you kooky environmentalists hate on high fructose corn syrup, too. Listen - it's made from corn. Scoreboard.
Ostensibly, a large majority of these celebrated eco-measures are an expensive ruse foisted upon a panicked populace. However, far from painting a picture of hopelessness, one should find solace in the myriad ways America and the world are working toward a more sustainable future. Either way, if I hear somebody use the word "green" as a verb one more time, I swear I will stab them with an organic, recycled prison shank.
Tommy Maple is an international communications graduate student. His column appears weekly.
