Next time you're on your knees in a dark frat house getting beaten with a sack of doorknobs, try calling Urban Meyer for help.
He doesn't stand for hazing,
Meyer spoke last week about how difficult it was to change the culture of hazing freshmen when he arrived at Florida, a comment that provoked a backlash from former coach Ron Zook.
The Zooker's feelings notwithstanding, he left a bit of a mess behind in this department, and Meyer had to clean it up. He had to put freshmen in a separate locker room in his first year to keep the team from self-destructing.
"We had some fights and stuff because they treated the freshmen like they weren't people," Meyer said. "'Don't walk through here, we'll kick your tail or shave your eyebrows.' It took us a while to break that great culture we had here."
Meyer set aside time for testimonials after practices, where players - young and old - stand in front of the team and talk about their families and personal problems.
"They open their hearts to you, and once they do that, they're officially part of the family," he said.
The second part of joining the family is having the black stripe removed from the freshmen's helmets, an honor bestowed on athletes who display the kind of work ethic, focus and grasp of the playbook that Meyer is looking for.
What do you think fosters more team cohesion, working to earn respect in practice and sharing personal problems or shaving someone's eyebrows?
It's not talked about much, but the level of respect among teammates that Meyer pushes is just as big a part of his successful formula as emphasizing special teams or speed.
Meyer has always been a proponent of letting the best players play, regardless of age, and making sure the freshmen are treated like human beings is a necessary step on the way.
It's especially important now, as a talented group of freshmen has a chance to learn from a team that could go down as one of the best ever. And Meyer knows he needs a few newbies to step up and produce this season.
Receiver David Nelson, who said he felt "pushed aside" as a freshman in 2005, has watched the whole transition unfold.
"Now, the freshmen come in and we embrace them as one of ours," Nelson said. "As soon as they get that stripe off their helmet, they're a part of this family and what we have here. We do a great job of knowing that. In the past, freshmen have come in and had substantial roles on offense, defense and special teams. We know they mean a lot to us, and there will be a special freshman this year to contribute to this team."
Throughout two-a-days, all of the freshmen I interviewed had nothing but good things to say about how the veterans have treated them. Their experiences seem to be in pretty stark contrast to those of Nelson and his classmates, showing just how much of an improvement Meyer has made.
Shortly after Meyer spoke last week, Zook issued a statement saying he has never condoned or even been accused of condoning hazing, a pretty necessary move considering the possible implications on recruiting.
Zook gets blamed for too much around here. He left the program in pretty good shape, but this is one area he has no defense in. It's pretty black-and-white.
When Zook left, freshmen were getting hazed, and whether or not he told them to do it isn't the issue. It happened on his watch, and Meyer deserves praise for actively turning it around.
