Freshman year. You are en route to the fourth floor of your dorm and notice an attractive neighbor. Any homesickness unexpectedly fades. You realize that your roommate has been MIA for the past few hours and your twin-sized bed is in dire need of christening.
But hold onã don/t be so easy.
Of all the courses you will take in college, this is about to be the most honest. Welcome to your freshman crash-course on college sex.
I have a lot to impart and since word count is restricted, let/s dive in with the first rule you need to know: College is every bit the exceedingly debauched sex romp you expect, so enjoy it.
It/s in your best interest to stay single, at least during freshman year. And that long-distance relationship you/re in? It has the shelf life of a condom left out in the August heat.
Now guys, it/s a fact that girls will be able to pull more ass than you.
Don/t blame the messenger; blame the frat parties or girls-drink-free Wednesday nights at Xs. However, pulling ass will be made easier if you invest in your personal appearance.
And this includes trimming the hair down thereãafter all, Busch Gardens is in Tampa. Let/s keep it that way.
Another complaint I/ve often heard from women is that men don/t know how to use their hands or mouth.
This is college, if you need to, take a (sex) course to learn the finer aspects of female anatomy.
And since this is college, remember you are privileged to a staggering lack of privacy and your roommate won/t appreciate any ear piercing mating calls.
Luckily, there are plenty of other locations to play out mischievous anticsãdon/t overlook the 50-yard line at the stadium or dorm showers.
Ladies, one place where you should avoid getting intimate is a fraternity house.
Fraternities are synonymous with "walk of shame," and men are surprisingly capable of gossip.
So are nightlife promotersãsure they/re able to slip you into clubs with your fake ID, but that/s not the only thing they want to slip in.
Worse are upperclassmen who deceivingly whisper, "Wow, you/re so mature, I can/t believe you/re only 18…"
In truth, Carrie Bradshaw knew best when she began having sex like a man.
Unfortunately, many freshman girls don/t understand this concept or realize the majority of college men aren/t looking for a relationship. Though you may sense the hint of an emotional connection, men tend to view that as a footnote to sexãso don/t be surprised if they/re not calling back after you give it up.
Also, watch your drink, especially during undisciplined nights of tequila-infused body shots.
In four years, I/ve had more than eight friends who had something slipped in their drinks and it didn/t always end well (this includes you too, guys).
And should you pick up a cute colleague at the bar?
Congratulations, use a condom.
As I understand itãwhile not every razor burn bump is an STD and a delayed period doesn/t necessarily mean you/re the next Octomomãgonorrhea is still a college experience you don/t want, and HIV is not solely "a gay disease."
STD concerns aside, sex is a healthy and integral part of your personal identity. And there is no better time to explore that identity than these four years.
Whether you/re singling and mingling, cozying up to the idea of a monogamous relationship, letting your unabashed bi-curiosity come out, or grade inflating by seducing an attractive professor (which is harder than you would think), the university is your oyster and you/ve got more than enough things to see and people to do.
