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Sunday, June 23, 2024

Despite the fact that we attend a university with nearly 50,000 students, Gainesville is not a metropolitan haven that you can have anonymous sex with a stranger who you'll never see again. Rather, I'd argue that you might have difficulty swinging a weight at Southwest Recreation Center without knocking over two people you've previously "exercised" with. The solution? Pack, make for the border (of another state) and indulge in a weekend vacation.

Uncharted cities offer an abundance of well-heeled and well-groomed 20-somethings, all in their sexual prime and refreshingly unaware of your previous sexual conquests. When you're as unfamiliar with a city's population as you are its geography, you'll never have the displeasure of saving someone's phone number only to realize that it was already stored in your contact list.

Regarding the magnitude of the city you wish to stay in, size always matters - New York or Chicago will surely measure up. Singles in these cities have a mysteriously attractive air about them, from the dressed-for-sexcess executive to the 40-year-old cougar strutting down the street (sans wedding ring). Emboldened by the reality that you don't know these people, it's easy to approach them without fear of rejection.

Stopping at Dior, you search for something to wear out for the night's depravity. You strike up a conversation with the sales associate about the city's trendiest bars, and although you don't leave with the perfect apparel, you do leave with the sales associate's phone number. After all, that particular associate seemed very eager to service you, and he or she could be more fun out during the midnight hours.

Waiting for the subway, you spy a cute urbanite. Flirtatiously ask him or her for directions since "you don't know where you are," and pretty soon he or she is escorting you home (caution: there's a very fine line between acting lost and acting stupid. Never attempt the latter.).

Finding a potential hookup buddy at a club is even easier. It's like shooting fish in a barrel or getting an A in Wildlife Issues in a Changing World. You step out with confidence to the new hot spot and notice a stud whose hungry eyes are giving you the thrice-over. Before you can point and say "Mine!" Studly is already parting the crowd to introduce himself.

After a couple Blow Job shots, your sticky bodies are melting together on the dance floor, and you're passionate about tonight's prey. Since you're not in Gainesville, you haven't heard rumors as to the measurements of his disco stick or whether she spits or swallows, but you'll be damned if you don't find out by night's end. You hail a taxi, go back to his or her place and engage in the wildest sex of your life with a lover who you simply don't have to love.

Your only concerns should be about not getting attached and the possibility of another go-round if you visit the city again. But just remember, when taking candy from strangers, they're exactly that - strangers. You can never trust a ho, so wrap it up. As long as you avoid the tourist traps of an STD or stolen kidney, one can practically write these foreign escapades off as a necessary "travel expense."

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