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Sunday, June 23, 2024

he says...

All right, boys, wake up.

These simple resolutions will help you score just a little bit more.

As for all you boys who like boys? Don’t worry. I know your games, too. We’ll get to you all soon enough.

First, those Guy Harvey T-shirts with the gaudy watercolor of a grouper, or any other type of seafood for that matter, belong in the garbage. Put it this way: Do sailfish make you want to dry hump? And for the sake of fashion and your libido, dump the jean shorts. They died with the ‘90s, along with your jean-short-sporting sex life.

Your first resolution is to go shopping for a few new additions to your lackluster wardrobe. I realize some of you boys might find this unnecessary and exhausting, but I promise you, the bedroom benefits of the newly dapper young Gator will surprise you.

ZZ Top knew what they were talking about when they said, “Every girl’s crazy ‘bout a sharp-dressed man.”

Oh hey, you say you haven’t showered in three days? Oh, and you have a 5 o’clock shadow at 9 in the morning?

Yeah, my girlfriends and I are wincing in our RTS seats as we look at you from behind our hands and whisper about you.

Ignoring shampoo and shaving cream for more than 24 hours will not make you a hipster. It’s not even masculine. It’s disgusting.

Take heed to my second resolution for you, boys. Pay attention to yourself for a change. Take care of yourself. Because if you don’t, a sweet-smelling lady sure won’t.

But I will let you in on a teeny, tiny secret: Girls and a good 10 percent of guys like to be underneath a good-smelling man.

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There’s a reason Gucci hasn’t started bottling up the smell of sweaty, unshaven frat boy.

she says...

Welcome back my fellow females, it’s time get a hold of life and realize that — OMG — it’s 2010! When making resolutions for the first year of the new decade, your sex life should be at the top of your list. After all, a good sex life enhances every other part of life.

The first resolution can be conquered by even the shyest girls out there: Buy lingerie. Take a trip to the mall and do what we do best: Shop. Hightail it to Victoria’s Secret and find that black lacey bra and panty set that your parents would never approve of. Or, for the more adventurous, go all the way with a sheer bra, garter belt and a matching lace-up thong.

For the single ladies out there, wearing something sexy underneath your outfit will make you feel sexier. And in return you will send out confident vibes to potential partners. You can also think of it as your own little secret that only those worthy will be let in on.

For girls who are taken, watch your boyfriend’s jaw drop when you pounce in bed in your new attention-grabbing lace instead of the nude push-up bra and cotton thong that regularly adorn your body. And remember, there is no need for a special occasion. Pull it out to spice up a Wednesday night when all he’s expecting is some cuddling and a movie.

With or without new lingerie, have a new sexual experience for the new year and change locations. That’s right, sex it up in different places because, let’s face it, a bed can get a little old (and aren’t you tired of hearing the same mattress squeaks every time?) Go Luda style, “back seat, windows up,” or make your own mark on the Florida Field. There is no limit on this one, just be sure not to get caught. Lastly, get to know yourself. You can’t be fulfilled with anything in life until you find out what will satisfy you. And of course, none of us can read minds like Edward, so tell your man what tickles your fancy.

Get out there, ladies. Go turn some heads, makes some boys drool and unleash the updated, 2010 version of your sexy self.

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