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Saturday, April 13, 2024

Our favorite She-Bangin’ singer will most definitely not be banging any more “shes.”

After years of no one speculating about the skimpy-Speedo-wearing, surrogate-sponsoring father of two, Ricky Martin has finally opened his boca about what he means by “Livin’ La Vida Loca.”

In an announcement almost as shocking as a weather forecast at the North Pole, Martin (finally) admitted his sensual dance moves and scarf-sporting style wasn’t just due to his Latin lifestyle. He is gay.

And to be more accurate, according to his public announcement, Martin is a “fortunate homosexual.”

We agree with our favorite have-you-even-made-a-CD-since-we-were-in-elementary-school singer in his fortunate qualities. We’re much more excited in this announcement than when Clay Aiken made the same announcement to the unsurprised world.

A Google image search of Martin reveals photos of a soul-patch-sporting, highlighted-hair dream boy with an obvious affinity for bathing suits that accentuate his beautiful “bon bon.”

So, we’re supposed to be surprised by all this, Ricky? C’mon.

You make Elton John look like a toolbelt-toting Home Depot fanatic.

We knew ever since we laid eyes on you wearing that shimmering long-sleeved shirt on the cover of that self-titled album we secretly fell in love with.

And we love you even more for it. We know that it often takes more courage to tell the truth than to live a lie, and we wish you nothing but future happiness in your “vida loca.”

Until then, we’ll be waiting on you, Ms. Seacrest.

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