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Sunday, February 05, 2023

A debate has been raging in the Alligator office conference room polarizing Avenue staffers and nearly causing a breakdown of operations. Well, not exactly. But it has been fun to discuss at our weekly meetings.

If you had to give up either oral sex or cheese for the rest of your life, which would you surrender? Think hard now. This is serious. Oral sex is a must-have and way too fun to abandon flippantly. Yet cheese has an uncanny ability to make everything delicious be even more delicious.

Be sure to share your thoughts with us in the comments below. Here, our columnists weigh in:

She says…

Think of all the things that would be worthless without it: pizza, club sandwiches, lasagna, even salads.

Goat, feta, pepper jack, Swiss and Gouda – bring it on, baby. I’ll swim in it.

Maybe I have an unhealthy attachment to this delectable staple, but without cheese, I simply could not survive. No oral sex? Forever?  It’s a horrifyingly tough call, but I think I can manage.

I do not mean to underestimate the power of cunnilingus – thank God this is only hypothetical – but even with oral out of the picture there’s always nipple play, dry humping, and my personal favorite, heavy petting, to look forward to.

 

Clitoral stimulation is an absolute must, and oral is a great way to get it, but manual can be even better when done right. Put your guy’s hand on that pleasure button and keep the massage going from foreplay through the main event, and you won’t miss oral.

Besides, I can definitely live without the awkwardness of having someone’s face buried in my crotch. And let’s not forget about my aversion to head; there is nothing worse than feeling obligated to return a favor, especially if you didn’t ask for it in the first place.

I seem to be in the minority, at least here at UF. Nearly everyone in our unscientific survey of people on campus would prefer to give up my beloved. Nevertheless, I stand by my cheese. 

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He says…

No amount of cheddar, Gouda or Brie has ever made feel as good as getting a blow job. For me, that’s all this debate boils down to.

When I’m eating a grilled cheese sandwich or dumping copious amounts of Parmesan into my spaghetti, only my taste buds are happy. The rest of my body, arteries and abs included, are filled with a mixture of hate and disappointment.

Not indulging in cheese would pay dividends in the long run. Coupled with a smaller risk of high blood pressure, diabetes or heart disease is a slimmer waistline. And with the toned body you’ll earn from resisting cheese’s temptations, you’ll get  more attention from the ladies, which in turn, means more blow jobs in your future.

Speaking of hook ups to come, think about all those partners you won’t be able to gratify if you renounce cunnilingus. Without it, your lady friends might end up looking elsewhere to satisfy their oral desires.

When oral sex offers you a longer life, better body and better sex, saying good-bye to cheese is a no-brainer. So, in the interest of happiness and health, I pick head.

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