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Wednesday, November 29, 2023

Everyone’s seen ‘em on ACRs, rednecks and, most recently, hipsters.

No, I’m not talking about PBR Tall Boys. I’m talking jorts here, people.

And you need to take pride in them because, somehow, they’ve escaped the reign of douche-dom and are looking pretty rad around campus.

Now, I know what you’re thinking: “I’m not wearing those, they look so hick-like.”

Jorts aren’t a fashion statement; they signify a lifestyle. After all, the listing for jorts is practically calling us out.

It defines them as, “jean shorts, such as those worn by male Florida Gator fans at the Georgia-Florida football game.”

My jort retort:

Hell yeah, I’m wearing a gnarly pair of jorts. And hell yeah, that’s my team down there whooping some Bulldog tail.

I don’t look at them as a mere pair of jean shorts. I see them as a pair of de facto championship rings for your legs.

Riding your bike on a hot summer day and don’t want people to see that you have a bad case of the swamp booty?

Put on your jorts.

At a Florida-Georgia game and don’t want people to see the tear stains from your sore-losing Bulldog opponents?

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Put on your jorts (they are super absorbent).

And let’s talk a little about the rules of jorts. Think of them as “jordinances.”

1. Jorts can be hemmed or not. For the pinnacle of jort fashion, go with the carpenter loop for added utility.

2. If you’re a girl who can pull it off, cut them as high as decency will allow.

3. They’re just better when they’re made from a pair of worn jeans.

4. Don’t wear your jorts too tight. Bulldogs don’t think torn inseams are intimidating.

Real Gators sport the jorts.

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